<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>One Year Later by fuwuneral</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27048835">One Year Later</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuwuneral/pseuds/fuwuneral'>fuwuneral</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Smallville</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Developing Relationship, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Enemies to Lovers, M/M, also I still don't know how to tag, that tag is just for this ship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:47:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>29,291</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27048835</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuwuneral/pseuds/fuwuneral</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lex and Clark reconcile after years of troubled history. If you wish these two would just sit down and work things out, this is hopefully the fic for you.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clark Kent/Lex Luthor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>93</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>183</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26852464">Dear Diary</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuwuneral/pseuds/fuwuneral">fuwuneral</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story takes place during the one-year timeskip in "Dear Diary." You don't have to have read that to understand this, but it will provide a bit of context and a peek at the ending. All you really need to know is that Lex and Clark have newly agreed to give their relationship a second chance years after Lex's memory loss.<br/>I've taken some small liberties with canon, but mostly plan to leave it ambiguous enough that you can imagine whatever level of canon divergence you like.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Lex couldn’t remember ever feeling so anxious, though granted, most of his adult life had been erased. He paced back and forth across the room a few times, answered some emails, played a quick game of chess against himself, and eventually settled by the fireplace, building up a roaring fire and taking a seat in the armchair. In the back of his mind, he heard his father rebuke him for showing his nerves. He checked his watch, thinking of ordering dinner and wondering if he ought to order enough for Clark as well, despite not knowing when he would be back. No, he couldn’t let Clark know he had nothing better to do than wait up for him. He may have willingly ceded the upper hand, but he was still Lex Luthor.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, there was a knock at the window. Lex looked up to see Clark standing where the glass door to the balcony would have been had it not broken in their argument a few days prior. He’d changed out of the Superman costume, but not bothered with his glasses. “Sorry about the door,” he said sheepishly. “Can I come in?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“After all this time, now you start asking?” Lex smiled slightly, a well-practiced expression he hoped would seem calm and assured. He could only hope Clark wasn’t using his super hearing to listen to his racing heartbeat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clark shrugged and stepped inside, glancing around. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t bother with the X-ray vision,” said Lex conversationally. “This place has been Superman-proofed since I moved in. Drink?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, thanks.” Clark looked nervous, too; he didn’t have as much practice hiding it as Lex did. Sometime, Lex would have to ask what putting on the Superman persona was like for him. “So...” he let out a heavy exhale. “I have time to talk now, barring any huge emergencies.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Me too. My schedule is clear for the night and my assistant knows not to bother me until tomorrow.” Lex poured himself a drink, taking a long sip. “We have all night.” He let himself look at Clark then, really look at him, eyes traveling up his body and resting on his face. Even looking as shy as he did now, Clark exuded the kind of confidence that must come with knowing you could get hit by a bus and walk away without a scratch. Lex had a lifetime of practice at projecting the kind of power that Clark had been born with. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clark broke the silence first. “To be honest, I don’t know where to start.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And I don’t blame you.” Lex sat back down, gesturing to the chair opposite him. “I can’t say that I do, either. They don’t make blueprints for this sort of social situation, I’m afraid.” Rebuilding relationships in the wake of his amnesia was nothing new to him, but so far it had been business partners, acquaintances, and the like. Nothing like a former best friend who he’d apparently been in love with before their falling-out. In fact, it hadn’t really seemed like Lex was close to anyone at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clark took the offered chair, though he managed to look even stiffer than he had standing up. “Well, then let’s just try and break the ice. We agreed to try again, so...what does that mean to you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lex hesitated. He didn’t think he would get this far. It seemed wise to start small and test the waters, as strange it was given their history. “Getting to know you seems like a good place to start,” he said after a moment’s pause. “You may have known me for years, but I’m starting almost from scratch here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clark nodded, relaxing slightly. “I think we can manage that, at least. So, what exactly do you know, anyway? I don’t even know how far back your memory loss goes, or how complete it was.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was intentional. Lex had carefully obscured as many details about his amnesia as he could, filling in the gaps with all the information he could find about his past self. Those missing years were a weakness he didn’t need anyone exploiting. He sighed. “There’s no exact cut-off date,” he explained, “but my memories fade out about a year before you and I met. They’re fragmented, and from what I’ve gathered, they’re not all in order. I do have a few flashes from that first year, but they’re scattered. Just images, really.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Like what?” Clark’s head tilted slightly, and it was unfairly endearing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Like the car crash. I don’t remember you saving me, but I remember hitting someone, the crash, the water filling up the car.” He thought back to that messy divide between his working memory and the blank space, sifting through for more memories. “And I remember the study in my mansion. The stained glass window, the pool table...” He trailed off, taking another sip of brandy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clark nodded. “Okay. What about that journal you found?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There was nothing useful there,” said Lex quickly, more grateful than ever for his practiced composure. He hoped he wasn’t blushing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I really doubt that, considering it was what brought all this on,” said Clark. “Are you really so embarrassed that you won’t even talk about it?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I already told you about it, I don’t see why you feel like you need to know more. If I thought any of it was important, I’d have brought it up already.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clark actually grinned at that, his smile teasing and friendly in a way that made Lex ache for something he couldn’t even remember. “You’re blushing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Damn it. “I am not,” said Lex, knowing as he said it that he sounded like a child.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We need to talk about this at some point, Lex.” Clark’s smile subsided, but he looked more relaxed than before. His expression was wary, but patient. “Might as well get it out of the way.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Every instinct Lex had told him not to show his hand here. He’d already surrendered too much ground. He had to remind himself this wasn’t a battle; the usual rules by which he navigated conversations didn’t apply here. He grimaced internally. No wonder he didn’t have any friends. “Fine,” he forced himself to say. “Let’s talk about it.” He drained his glass, knowing it was obvious how shaken he was. “Yes, I found a journal from Smallville. Yes, in it I wrote at length about being in love with you.” He rolled the empty glass back and forth in his hands, knowing the fidgeting was an obvious tell. “And yes, it’s what made me reach out to you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clark stiffened slightly, his expression unreadable even to Lex. When he spoke, his voice was noticeably softer. “Are you still? I mean, do you still feel that way?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lex sighed. “No.” It wasn’t a lie, exactly. He didn’t still feel the overwhelming, passionate love of which his past self had written, but his feelings toward Clark, not to mention Superman, were more of a tangled mess at the moment than he could explain even if he wanted to. “The version of me who wrote all of that had a lot of history with you. To me, it feels like all of that happened to someone else.” The truth was more complicated than that, but it would do for now until Lex could sort out how the current version of himself felt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clark nodded but said nothing, though he looked like he wanted to. Silence fell heavily between them, and Lex wondered if Clark had harbored feelings for him, too, back when they were friends. Another question for later, he thought. He didn’t know if he wanted to hear the answer right now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"There is another thing we should talk about," Clark said finally, sitting up straight and fixing Lex with a studying gaze. "I'm with you, if you want to try again. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you. But I still have a responsibility to stop you if you're doing anything dangerous." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lex smirked, refilling his glass. "If you want me to stop being so evil, just say so."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Alright, stop being so evil."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Done." He'd assumed from the beginning that this would come up, knowing that compromise, though unpleasant, would be necessary. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Really?" Clark's tone and the slight raise of his eyebrow suggested he was less than convinced.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Well, I'm sure you and I have different ideas of what that means." Lex crossed his legs, leaning on one arm of his chair. “Obviously, I won’t be taking any more actions against Superman, provided you don’t do anything that forces me to put you in check.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that really the only problem you see with your behavior?” Clark sounded so righteous that Lex had to close his eyes for a moment to avoid rolling them. “First of all, there are others who I trust to take me down if I go rogue, and considering you haven’t defeated me yet after years of trying, they’re probably better for the job than you. Second, this isn’t about me. It’s about your actions hurting innocent people. I want this to work, but you can’t expect me to turn a blind eye to all the damage you’ve done with LexCorp.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>An intense feeling of déjà vu struck Lex, as if they’d had this debate a hundred times before. Sure, he was well aware of what Clark thought of LexCorp--he’d written more than enough articles on the matter, and Lex had received more than a few sanctimonious lectures from Superman about it as well. This was different, though, and he realized that Clark had dropped the pretense of impartiality. He was no longer a reporter writing about a CEO, nor a superhero admonishing a villain. Clark was addressing his old friend Lex, trying to give him another chance to be better. The thought reminded him of what his younger self had written: </span>
  <em>
    <span>he makes me want to be better.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright,” said Lex, “We obviously disagree somewhat on what can be considered morally permissible. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m no saint, but LexCorp’s technological advancements have reduced food insecurity in America, cut back significantly on industrial fossil fuel usage, improved international trade relations, and more.” He stood, casually going to add more wood to the fire. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That it’s made you one of the richest men on Earth is just a fringe benefit, I guess,” Clark said, his eyes following Lex. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lex smiled, glancing back at Clark. “Well, it’s certainly an upside.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know I’ve attended your press conferences, I’ve heard the ‘greater good’ speech before. It’s your methods that I have a problem with. All the experiments, the exploitation, the underhanded dealings, everything you’ve swept under the rug. You may be able to hide it from the public, but not from me.” There was no anger in Clark’s voice, but the concern and disappointment made Lex wish there was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Lex agreed, “Never from you, unusually persistent reporter that you are.” He returned to his chair, studying Clark’s face. “Yes, my pursuits have made me very wealthy. They’ve also done a lot of good for humanity at large, which even you can’t be stubborn enough not to admit. As for my methods, we can’t all fly at Mach 20 and see through solid walls. Some of us actually have to compromise, make sacrifices to achieve our goals.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clark hesitated at that, a thoughtful look in his eyes. “I hope someday I can trust you enough to believe that.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So do I,” Lex replied, almost surprised that he meant it. “We aren’t going to solve this tonight, though. For now, I’ll stop all of my Superman-related endeavors; you won’t have any trouble from me. Is that enough?” He hoped Clark would understand that he was giving up an obsession that had consumed him for years, something he’d always used to focus and ground himself with a clear goal.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clark nodded, seemingly satisfied. “For now, yeah. That’s enough.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Excellent. In the meantime, I have something else I’d like to discuss.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Smallville,” Clark guessed. “You want me to tell you what I know about your missing years.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lex nodded. “It seems fair, doesn’t it? If we’re going to try to repair our relationship, I should at least know where our starting line is.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clark sighed. “I don’t know, Lex. I understand why you want to know, but...it’s complicated.” He turned his face toward the fire, the warm glow highlighting his chiseled features. “Let me think about it. I’ll answer you later; is that okay?” He turned back toward Lex, waiting for an answer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lex paused, then nodded again. “Yeah. That’s okay. I think tonight has already given us enough to think about.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I agree.” Clark stood, looking like a superhero even in his t-shirt and jeans. “It’s getting late, I should get going.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We both have work tomorrow,” Lex agreed, walking him to the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll call you later,” Clark said casually, as if he’d said it to Lex a hundred times before. “And Lex?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you. For trying. I know that you are.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With that he was gone. Lex went back to his seat by the fire, with a spark of something in his chest that felt like it could be hope. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Clark went to work, and he thought about Lex. He patrolled, and he thought about Lex. He deflected a meteor hurtling toward New York, and he thought about Lex. The worst part was that he was no closer to sorting out his feelings than he had been yesterday, or the day before that. He’d faced some truly bizarre situations both as Superman and in his childhood years in Smallville, but nothing had prepared him for “arch enemy finds out you used to be best friends and that he was in love with you, about which you had no idea.” That detail kept sticking in his mind, even though Lex had said those feelings belonged to pre-amnesia Lex, who, as far as Lex was concerned, was an entirely different person. Clark supposed that wasn’t untrue; losing chunks of memory was as frequent in Smallville as the common cold, and he’d heard similar things from most of his friends, even from himself once or twice. I wasn’t myself. That wasn’t me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It hurt to think of Lex saying that about their friendship, even after everything he’d done.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark had thought he’d done a good job of burying his feelings for Lex over the years, but the revelation that Lex had once felt the same had dug them right back up. He tried not to let himself think about what could have been if things were just a little bit different. Back then, he’d been young and confused, never knowing what it was he really wanted. By the time he would even have thought to act on those feelings--okay, by the time he finally got over Lana--he and Lex had already started to drift apart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, hello? We’re on a deadline, Smallville, snap out of it.” Lois shoved a handful of papers across the desk at Clark. “Brooding is your buddy Batman’s thing, it’s not a good look on you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was right. Turning the same thoughts over in his head again and again wasn’t doing him any good. He blinked, adjusting his glasses, and flipped through the papers, reading over the notes and edits Lois had scrawled in the margins. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her eyes narrowed, studying him over the top of her monitor. “You’ve been acting weird ever since that incident with Lex at the lab,” she said, lowering her voice enough that they wouldn’t be overheard. “What’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing,” he said quickly. At her skeptical look, he added, “I don’t really want to talk about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She pursed her lips. “Okay. Whatever you say.” Her tone suggested no, not okay, not whatever you say, and Clark doubted he’d heard the end of this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m, uh, going to take these edits home and work on them there. If we want to get this done by the end of the day, I need to concentrate,” said Clark, putting the folder in his laptop bag.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you’re avoiding me so I won’t keep asking about whatever you don’t want to talk about, but I’m going to let it slide because superspeed typing is the only way we’re going to get this article in on time,” said Lois. “I’ll email you the rest of my notes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Appreciated,” said Clark with a smile. “See you later.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah.” She waved him off, already moving on to the next project. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark took the bus home, closing his eyes and thinking about Lex. Again. His mind wandered back to Smallville, when Lex had handed over his research and told Clark he felt the darkness in him creeping over the edges. He felt like he was eighteen again, clinging to Lex’s friendship and the hope that, despite everything, Clark would be able to save him. They’d fallen out again, of course, and made up again, and done the whole thing at least twice more before it was really over. Except even now, apparently, it wasn’t over. The scar on his heart where Lex had been, that he’d long thought healed, had split wide open.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was useless. He pulled out his phone and texted Chloe. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Are you free to talk later? </span>
  </em>
  <span>He’d always been reluctant to talk over things like this with his friends, but at least he’d improved somewhat compared to himself at eighteen. Chloe had been there from the beginning of his friendship with Lex; she’d understand better than anyone, and she was less likely to freak out than Lois.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her response pinged a couple of minutes later. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sure. Bring pizza. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiled, pocketing his phone and getting off the bus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a touch of superspeed, the article was typed up and emailed off in under half an hour, and he sped to Chloe’s apartment, picking up a couple of pizzas on the way and, of course, thinking about Lex the entire time. When Chloe answered the door, she looked predictably concerned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s up?” she asked as she led him inside, shutting the door behind him. “Not to jump to conclusions, but whatever’s on your mind must be pretty serious if you came all the way here just to chat. Not that you need a reason to come see your best friend in the whole wide world--” she punctuated the statement with a smile and a flip of blonde hair “--but you’re not exactly the talkative type.” She grabbed one of the pizza boxes and flopped down on the couch, patting the spot next to her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, it’s not...not serious.” Off to a good start. Clark sat down next to Chloe and helped himself to a slice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay?” Chloe eyed him suspiciously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed. “Lex reached out to me a few days ago.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She blinked, taken aback. “Oh. Wow. Okay, uh...I’m guessing by your general attitude it wasn’t for a press release.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’d be right.” Clark leaned back against the couch, staring at the ceiling. “He found an old journal of his from Smallville, and realized we were closer than he knew. Oh, and he knows about my secret identity.” Chloe raised an eyebrow at that. “He figured it out from what he’d written about me. He wants to try again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oof. I’m going to make us some fresh coffee.” Chloe got up and made her way to the kitchen. “So, best to rip the band-aid: how do you know this isn’t part of some scheme? I believe in second chances as much as the next person, but Lex isn’t exactly known for being honest.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had Diana check him out,” Clark explained, raising his voice over the whirr of the coffee grinder. “He’s for real.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s a lot to process.” She set the coffee to brew and rejoined him on the couch. “What did you say?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark took a deep breath. “I said yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clark...” Chloe’s voice was soft, sympathetic. “I’m not going to tell you what to do, god knows you’ve supported my fair share of questionable decisions. I just don’t want to see you get hurt, and with Lex that’s pretty much a given, even if he really is trying to change.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Clark acknowledged. “I know this isn’t going to be easy. But all this time...” he trailed off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chloe nodded. “All this time, you never really gave up on him. I know,” she said with a half-hearted smile. “I know you think you’re steel, but I can still read you like a newspaper. For someone with a secret identity, you’re pretty bad at lying.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He wants to know about his past. The journal only had bits and pieces, and what he’s been able to gather in the last few years is pretty incomplete.” Clark took a bite of pizza as an excuse to pause, formulating his thoughts. “I’m not sure if I should tell him or not. Part of me feels like he has a right to know, but some of it could do more harm than good, and I still think having his memory wiped was for the best.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chloe paused, brow furrowed in an expression Clark recognized as deep thought. “Hmm. I mean, the biggest secret is already out, right? He knows about you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if he finds out who he was, and it changes his mind? He might decide trying to change isn’t worth the effort. Near the end, when things were falling apart between us, he kept saying it was pointless to deny who he really was.” Time had done little to ease that particular sting. “What if it ruins any chance he might have had to start over?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, let’s take this one step at a time.” At some point, Chloe had gotten up to pour the coffee, and she handed him a steaming mug. “Lex changing his mind is a possibility no matter what you tell him. Even at his best he had a tendency to go Jekyll and Hyde. As for starting over...again, I won’t tell you what to do, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to start this off with secrets. It hasn’t exactly played out well for you in the past.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you think I should tell him everything?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She shrugged. “I think maybe the best thing is just to be honest. If you don’t want to tell him everything, tell him that. Hope that he’ll accept it. He’s lived his whole life with an army of skeletons in his closet, it’s not like he doesn’t understand not being able to tell the whole truth.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark sipped his coffee. It was still hot enough to burn a human. “I just keep thinking about everything we should have done differently the first time."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t want to mess it up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark nodded in agreement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chloe gave him a long, thoughtful look that made Clark feel like she could see right through him. She and Lois had that look down to an art. It must run in the family. Mercifully, she didn’t voice whatever keen observations she was making. “You’ll do the right thing, Clark,” she said instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope so.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She smiled. “Finish your coffee.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He did. By the time he bid Chloe goodnight, he felt better than he had the last few days. Still confused, still worried he was making a terrible mistake, but better. Lex, and their tentative reconciliation, remained firmly at the forefront of his mind, but the thoughts that had been circling over and over in his mind seemed at least to have left their spiral. Chloe was right, the weight of the lies between them had been their downfall the last time. He couldn't bring himself to tell Lex everything, not yet, but he owed it to both of them to avoid the same mistakes he'd made then.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He called Lex. It rang a few times before Lex's recorded voice came through the phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Lex Luthor. Leave a message."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, Lex, it's Clark. I was hoping we could find time to talk sometime soon, just to catch up." He cringed inwardly at his own awkwardness, but in his defense, it was an awkward situation. "Let me know when you're free, and I'll make time." That was a little bit better. He hung up and went home, stripping out of his civilian clothes and donning the suit before flying out the window for his nightly patrol.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Lex checked his watch. Clark was a few minutes late, though he assumed that would almost always be the case. An hour didn’t pass in Metropolis without someone calling for Superman’s help. The table was set with enough food for five people; hopefully Clark wouldn’t run so late that it got cold. He’d hazarded a guess that Clark’s superhuman physiology required more food than the average human, though how much more he wasn’t sure, and that he would prefer meat and potatoes, all-American farm boy that he was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a rush of wind, Clark appeared beside him. “Sorry I’m late.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it,” said Lex, pulling out a chair. “We’re both busy men--duty calls. I’m glad you could meet me for dinner at all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said I would make time, didn’t I?” Clark smiled and took the seat across from Lex. “You didn’t have to go to all this trouble, though.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s no trouble at all.” That wasn’t entirely true; Lex had stopped just short of dimming the lights and setting out candles and roses. He felt a little foolish, knowing how obviously he was trying to impress Clark. He was used to predictable businesspeople and socialites, easily won with displays of wealth and power and carefully applied charm. Clark was different in every way, and for some reason, Lex’s heart clenched at the thought of letting him down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought about what we talked about the other day,” Clark began, but Lex stopped him with a casual hand-wave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go ahead and eat. We have all night to talk.” And if it gave Lex a little more time to calm his accursed nerves, that was fine too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” Clark happily helped himself to the steak and mashed potatoes. They ate in relative silence, exchanging small talk between bites about each of their busy days. “So,” Clark said finally, setting down his fork, “I know you want to know about your time in Smallville, and I’m happy to tell you some of it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex paused with his glass at his lips. “Some of it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark paused for a long moment, lifting one hand then lowering it, like he’d wanted to reach out toward Lex. “There are some parts of our past that I’d rather not talk about, at least not yet. If later, you decide that you really need to know, we can talk about it again, but otherwise I’d rather let those memories stay buried.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex swallowed and set down his glass, eyes downcast. “Was I that bad?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark’s hesitance spoke volumes. “Not all of it is about things you did,” he said. “But, well, there’s a reason we fell apart.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The way he said it gave Lex pause. “I have to ask,” he said before he could think better of it, “Were we ever more than friends?” He regretted asking as soon as the words left his mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark’s eyes widened in the sort of lost-puppy expression thoroughly unfit for a superhero. “I, uh, thought your journal would have answered that,” he stammered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fuck. What had possessed him to ask that? “It all seemed very one-sided.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark cleared his throat, blushing. “Ah, no. We weren’t.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see,” said Lex. “I was just curious.” He hoped he could dispel the sick feeling that had settled in his stomach through sheer force of will.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not that I wouldn’t have--I mean--I had Lana, and you were engaged at one point...” Clark was visibly flustered, floundering, seemingly in an attempt to soften the blow. Humiliation burned through Lex at the thought of Clark trying to spare his feelings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine, Clark. Like I said, those feelings belonged to a version of me that no longer exists.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right. Of course.” Clark looked like he wanted to say more, but looked down at his empty plate instead. “Anyway, like I said, I’m willing to tell you about our history and what I know of your missing years.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Except the parts you don’t want me to know.” Lex didn’t mean to sound accusatory, but an edge slipped into his tone on instinct.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark fixed him with Superman’s sternest look. “We’ve been over this. Don’t push it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex nodded and backed off. “Alright, fair. So, what’s the first thing I should know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” Clark began, relaxing in his chair, “It started with a car crash.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex seemed content to sip his wine and listen as Clark recounted the earliest days of their friendship, from the crash to their inside joke about driving slower to the numerous expensive gifts he and his parents had refused to accept. It struck Clark that back then, Lex had always been the one talking for hours on end while Clark listened. Now, watching him from across the table as he recounted the stories of their youth, he thought they’d both been far too young to have so much on their shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It sounds like we made quite a pair,” said Lex, a touch of sadness in his voice that reminded Clark too much of the old days.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart ached. “We did,” he said. “You said our friendship would be the stuff of legend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did I?” Lex chuckled. “Well, I was half right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your view of the world was a little gentler then,” said Clark. “Your dad had done a number on you, for sure, but you weren’t broken yet.” He expected Lex to deny that he was broken at all, but instead he just took another sip of wine and gazed contemplatively at the edge of the table. “Our differences didn’t seem like such a big deal.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex raised his eyes to meet Clark’s. “You really believed in me, didn’t you?” Before Clark could answer, he continued. “Speaking of our differences, I thought about what you said the other night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The change of subject was an obvious avoidance, but Clark allowed it. “You mean about LexCorp?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex nodded. “The differences in our moral philosophies, more generally speaking.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was one way of putting it, Clark supposed. He bit back some of the harsher responses that sprang to mind; he’d gotten used to criticizing Lex as a reporter, rather than debating with him as a friend. He reminded himself that Lex had taken the initiative to change. “Sounds like you have something to say about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, if you’re waiting for me to see the light and self-flagellate for my villainous machinations, don’t hold your breath,” said Lex, “But I’ve decided to make some concessions as a show of good faith. I’m hoping we can meet each other halfway--here’s my half.” He picked up a folder off the table and offered it to Clark, who flipped through it as Lex continued. “I’m expanding LexCorp’s humanitarian interests. What you have there are plans for millions of dollars in medical and environmental research grants, scholarships, and funding for charitable foundations all over the world.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark opened his mouth to say something about positive press, but stopped himself. He felt oddly guilty for suspecting that Lex had ulterior motives for doing this, when he himself was the one who had told Lex he needed to change. When had he become someone who would assume the worst of a person? At the same time, he felt a rush of hope. Lex was trying. Whether he was doing this for Clark or whether he really wanted to change, he was trying to be better. Besides, Clark thought selfishly, if Lex was doing all this for him, would that really be so bad? “Lex, this is great.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not all. I hired an ethics team and implemented a new set of rules for all development and operations. The details are rather complex--enforcing such things requires quite a lot of legalese--but you can find them in that folder as well.” Lex paused a moment, folding his hands and straightening his shoulders. “All of that said, I’m still running a business. I’ll always do things you disagree with, and you may disapprove of the means I use to achieve my ends. This is a compromise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex had clearly put a lot of thought into this. Clark nodded. “I’m really glad you’re doing this, Lex,” he said sincerely, “but I’m not sure what you want me to do in return. I know you don’t always agree with my methods, either, but I can’t just set aside my beliefs.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex groaned annoyedly. “That’s exactly the kind of rigidity and stubbornness that I’m talking about when I say ‘meet me halfway.’ We’re different, Clark, we always will be. I’m just asking you to show an ounce of flexibility.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anger flared in Clark’s chest. “What does that mean? Look the other way while you kill, cheat, and lie?” He exhaled heavily, forcing himself to calm down. Lex was making a real effort. Years of second chances and subsequent betrayals had worn Clark’s patience thin; it was hard to remember that Lex didn’t have any of that weighing him down. “I didn’t mean that. I just--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, you did.” Lex looked hurt for a moment before his features quickly smoothed into cold supervillain anger. “You think I’m evil because I’m willing to do whatever it takes, and that’s where you and I will never agree.” He stood, walking slowly around the table. “To you, the end will never justify the means, because you’re always sure there’s another way. Take the classic trolley problem; would you divert the trolley and kill one person to save five? I would. You, on the other hand, would use your super strength to stop the trolley, and chastise me for being willing to sacrifice a life. That’s why you balk when a problem requires a less-than-heroic solution, and it’s why heroes like you need people like me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> always another way,” Clark insisted. He stood too, bringing him slightly above Lex’s eye level. “There’s always a choice.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A choice you often simply refuse to make,” Lex snarled. “I may not remember our friendship, but I’ve been keeping a close eye on Superman for years. How many times have you drawn out a fight until your enemy accidentally kills themselves? Or better yet, how many times have bad guys with bullets taken care of your problems for you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark clenched his jaw, swallowing hard. Too many examples came to mind, with the image of Lex gunning down Roger Nixon front and center. “That doesn’t make it right,” he said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course not,” said Lex, almost nose to nose with Clark and not a hint of warmth left in his tone. “The difference between you and me is that I’m willing to sacrifice doing what’s right to do what’s necessary. Be honest, Superman, without me elbow deep in blood, your hands couldn’t stay so squeaky clean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark hesitated. He couldn’t bring himself to agree with Lex, and couldn’t bear to risk pushing him away, either. Lex had already given up more ground than Clark had ever thought he would, and it was clear he wasn’t going to back down on this. His ideals were too important to compromise. They were what kept him grounded, stopped him from letting his power turn him into the kind of threat that he’d devoted his life to fighting. On the other hand, here was Lex in front of him, willing to change, and asking Clark to meet him in the middle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After several moments of deafening silence, Lex sighed, taking a step back. “It’s okay, Clark,” he said. “I know you can’t say it. I won’t make you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lex...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just drop it. It’s fine.” He sounded tired.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark looked down at the folder in his hand, crumpled where he’d clenched his fist. Something else occurred to him. “What about the Kryptonite?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Lex looked up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All the Kryptonite that you’ve collected. What will you do with it now that you’ve stopped coming after me?” Clark asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll keep it. The applications of Kryptonite are nearly endless; its properties are like nothing found on Earth. It does everything from making cars go faster to bestowing humans with supernatural abilities. You can’t expect me to let go of such a valuable resource just because it’s dangerous to you,” said Lex.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“After how you’ve used it in the past, you expect me to trust you with the world’s largest hoard of the only thing that can kill me?” Something in the back of Clark’s mind told him to stop before he pushed too far, but Lex’s voice quickly drowned it out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t suppose I expect you ever to trust me, no matter what I do,” said Lex, agitated and pacing the length of the table. “You’ve never been able to think objectively when it comes to me. I know I’ve done plenty to earn that, but I hoped everything I’ve done so far would be enough to make my intentions clear. I’ve given up on Superman, I’ve compromised my company to appease your moral sensibilities, I’ve even let Wonder Woman interrogate me with her lasso, and yet you refuse to give me an inch of slack.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You said yourself that I know you better than you do,” Clark replied angrily. “And I know you can’t be trusted with Kryptonite.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If that’s how little you think of me, maybe it was naive of me to think we could reconcile at all,” Lex spat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you knew how many chances I’ve given you, Lex--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t, because you don’t even trust me enough to tell me that.” Lex stopped in his tracks, shaking his head. “Get out of my house.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lex.” This felt painfully familiar.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just get out.” Lex turned his back to Clark.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark hesitated a moment, frozen. He wanted to hug his friend, forgive him, tell him that he still believed in him. Instead, he grabbed his coat and left through the open window.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>In the few days since his and Lex’s argument, Clark’s mood had not improved. He stared at his computer screen like his dignity depended on it without absorbing any of the words, instead just replaying the fight in his head for the fifth time that day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A neatly manicured hand snapped in front of his face. “Hey.” Lois perched on the edge of his desk. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but the space cadet routine is starting to get seriously concerning. What’s wrong?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing,” said Clark quickly, knowing his tone was less than convincing. “I’m fine.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, that’s code for ‘I’m not fine but I don’t think anyone would understand so I’ll just bottle it up until I die.’” She put her hands stubbornly on her hips. “I’m not leaving this spot until you tell me what’s wrong.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark raised an eyebrow, then stood and scooped her up, dumping her unceremoniously in her own desk chair across from him. She really should be used to that by now. “Lois,” he said, ignoring her indignant yelp, “I appreciate it, but I’m just not ready to talk about this. Okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lois sighed. “Okay,” she said, studying him with the patented Lane-Sullivan reporter’s gaze that put his X-ray vision to shame. “Just promise you’re not going to keep this bottled up forever. For a guy with a secret identity, you’re terrible at hiding when something is bothering you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark chuckled. “That’s what Chloe said.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great minds think alike.” She spun in her chair, grabbing a stack of takeout menus from her desk drawer. “Now, just because you won’t tell me what’s wrong doesn’t mean I won’t try to cheer you up. How do tacos sound? Ooh, or maybe chow mein?” She fanned out the menus like a magician with a hand of cards. “You pick.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiled and indulged her, rifling through the menus. Tacos did sound good, despite his mood. As Lois rattled off their order on the phone, his thoughts drifted back to his fight with Lex. Was it unfair of him to judge Lex based on things he couldn’t remember doing? Was he supposed to just let all those things go? He remembered with a stab of guilt that he was the one who’d been avoiding telling Lex about the darker parts of his past in the first place. Lex had proven he was willing to make the effort to change, and all he’d asked for from Clark was to compromise, just a little bit. Would that really be so bad?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He heard his father’s voice in the back of his mind, telling him that any compromise on his beliefs was a slippery slope. Then he remembered Lex, heartbreakingly vulnerable and asking if they could try again, and he made up his mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The night found him at Lex’s balcony again. Lex had replaced the broken glass door, and through it Clark could see him sitting by the fire with what was surely his fourth or fifth drink of the night, reading a book with intense focus. He looked up as Clark arrived, making him wonder if there were motion detectors on the balcony or if Lex had just developed a Superman-sense.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex crossed the room to the door, letting him in. “Clark. I didn’t expect to see you.” His tone wasn’t hostile, but his guard was up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I came to apologize,” Clark blurted without preface. “I agreed to try again, but I haven’t given you a fair chance to prove yourself. You were right, I never could think objectively when it came to you.” Because I loved you, he wanted to say. “Because there was so much history. I knew this wasn’t going to work without compromise; I guess I’m just too stubborn for my own good sometimes. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex blinked, clearly surprised to see Clark apologizing to him. Clark remembered, a little sheepishly, that it had been a rare occurrence even when they were friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex nodded, bowing his head slightly, hands in his pockets. He looked back up at Clark, and the sincerity had returned to his gaze. “I’m sorry, too,” he said. “In my mind, our relationship and everything that came with it is a blank space. It’s easy for me to forget that I’ve hurt you in ways I don’t even know. I just hope I can earn your trust someday.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark thought back to all the times Lex had asked him for another chance. There’d been a time when he’d thought he would never give Lex another chance, but it seemed a lifetime ago now. Looking at him now, Clark knew he would give Lex as many chances as he could ever ask for, until the end of time. “You’re not the first person I’ve pushed away by refusing to compromise,” he admitted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The righteous anger can be a lot,” Lex agreed. “But you have more of a right to your moral code than most. I know I have a long way to go before we can be friends; all I ask from you is one step in my direction. Just a little bit of trust that I don’t have some secret evil agenda.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would that really be so unlike you?” Clark hoped his tone came across as lighthearted teasing rather than accusing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It must have, because Lex smiled. “Well, you can hardly fault me for having a brand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark felt a genuine smile break out on his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been thinking for the last few days,” said Lex, “About what I was in danger of losing. Again.” He hesitated, draining his glass but not setting it down. Clark had noticed long ago that Lex liked to have a prop in his hand, whether that be a glass, a pool cue, a pen, or whatever else happened to be around. “I’ll get rid of the Kryptonite. All of it. I won’t destroy it--I meant what I said about it being invaluable as a raw material--but I’ll put it in the hands of someone you trust. You choose who, and I’ll arrange everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Batman,” said Clark with little hesitation. “He’ll know what to do with it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex nodded. “Batman it is, then. Have him call me, and I’ll hand over LexCorp’s entire supply.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The urge to hug Lex struck Clark again, and this time he indulged it, grabbing Lex by the shoulders and pulling him into his arms. He felt Lex freeze against him, then slowly raise his arms to return the embrace. Clark guessed that it had been years since anyone had shown Lex this kind of affection, and he tried to convey everything he wasn’t yet ready to say: that he’d missed Lex, that he wanted this to work, that he hoped one day they could have something even stronger than before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he pulled back, Lex looked so vulnerable that Clark wanted to just hug him again and hold on until morning. His eyes were soft, lips pressed together in a sad smile. “What brought that on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark shrugged, blushing slightly. “Nostalgia?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex nodded. “You’ll have to tell me more about those memories,” he said. “I have an international conference call in half an hour, but I can make time later this week.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should go talk to Batman, anyway,” said Clark, “But later this week would be good. I have plenty more to tell you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good,” said Lex. “I want to hear it all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could have just called and left a message with Alfred, but the flight to Gotham was a welcome change of scenery, as dreary as it was compared to the glittering Metropolis. With the handy combination of super-hearing and X-ray vision, it didn’t take long to find Batman on his nightly patrol, perched atop a condemned apartment complex. Clark landed quietly behind him. “Hey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Superman. What brings you to Gotham on a Wednesday night?” Batman looked up, slinking back from the edge of the roof to avoid being seen from the street. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark paused, realizing how weird his reason for visiting was and wondering how he could possibly explain it. Chloe was one thing, but he doubted Bruce would be any more pleased that he was talking to Lex again than Diana had been. “Do you want the long version or the short version?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That there even is a long and short version is never a good thing to hear. What’s going on?” The blank white eyes of the mask narrowed suspiciously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark sighed. Might as well start with the important part. “Lex Luthor is willing to get rid of his Kryptonite stash. I was hoping you could take it off his hands.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Under those silly pointy ears, Clark could practically see the gears turning in Batman’s head, trying to figure out why Lex would do such a thing. It struck him all of a sudden how much Bruce and Lex had in common--their inherited wealth and stony good looks were obvious parallels, but the comparison was more than skin deep. Like Bruce, Lex had always sized up everyone he met with calculating efficiency, always went after his goals with a passion that regularly crossed the line into obsession, and always had that touch of guilt in his eyes, paired with public smiles too perfect not to have been rehearsed. Distantly, he wondered how things might have turned out if Lionel Luthor had been shot dead in the street after a night at the opera.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Batman’s growly bass snapped him back to reality. “I’m guessing his change of heart had something to do with the explosion at the Luthorcorp lab a few weeks ago?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Part of it,” said Clark. “He figured out my secret identity, and realized we were closer friends in Smallville than he knew.” He figured Lex wouldn’t appreciate his telling Batman about the contents of his old journal. “How he found out is a long story, but in short, we’re...trying to find our way back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bruce responded with a contemplative “hmm,” looking thoughtfully up at the sky. “Do you think you can?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark paused for a moment. “...Yeah. I think we can.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bruce nodded. “Then I hope you do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite Bruce’s untrusting nature, Clark should have known he’d be more understanding than Diana. Of the three of them, he’d always been the most comfortable navigating the gray areas of morality, not to mention that he’d had his share of romantic entanglements with his former enemies. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do you do it?” he asked. “Reconcile caring about someone with knowing you’ll never really see eye to eye?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Caring about people has always looked different for me than it does for you,” said Bruce, the tone of his voice painfully reminiscent of Lex. Clark wondered why the similarity had never occurred to him before. “The list of people I trust completely starts and ends with Alfred. I have Luthor’s old Kryptonite ring on me right now, and I didn’t even know you were coming here tonight. And I’ve resigned myself to affairs of the heart always being complicated.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark blushed despite himself. Why did all his friends have to be so perceptive? “Who said anything about affairs of the heart?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t have to.” Bruce turned his gaze to Clark, masked eyes meeting his. “One thing I’ve learned the hard way is that you can’t control whether or not you care about someone. All you can do is decide whether or not it’s worth the risk.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Across town, the stark white of the Bat-signal lit up against the ever-present clouds. Batman turned toward the edge of the roof, looking out over the city. “I’ll contact Luthor in the morning and arrange to transport the Kryptonite.” His gloved hand fell on Clark’s shoulder. “I hope it works out, Clark.” With that, he disappeared into the night.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You’ve left something out again, haven’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark had suddenly gone quiet in the middle of another Smallville story, seemingly at a loss for how to continue. “I told you there were some things I didn’t want to tell you,” he said. It was true, but his posture had the uncomfortable tension of someone caught in a lie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex leaned back in his chair, studying him. The two of them were seated in Lex’s living room, Clark on the couch and Lex in the leather armchair. Listening to Clark recount stories from their past over dinner had become a weekly affair, one Lex looked forward to more than he wanted to admit. “You didn’t want me to know the worst of what I did, I know. This is different, though. You don’t usually just trail off like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark hesitated with a look on his face that Lex couldn’t quite pin down. There was guilt there, yes, but that was almost constant whenever he spoke on the subject of their past. Lex had little doubt that Clark blamed himself for what had become of his former friend, but something else was clearly on his mind now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clark,” said Lex gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark looked up, meeting Lex’s eyes briefly. “I just don’t think dragging up painful memories will do anyone any good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh. “This is about my father, isn’t it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark’s silence was all the confirmation Lex needed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A familiar mix of anger, resigned bitterness, and heartache settled in Lex’s chest. Even from the grave, Lionel hadn’t stopped causing him pain. “You don’t need to protect me from this, Clark. My father’s cruelty didn’t start when I met you; I assure you whatever he did won’t come as a surprise to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” said Clark. “After you came to Smallville, you started to beat him at his own game. You even got your employees to rally behind you when he tried to turn them against you. I think that was when he realized he didn’t control you anymore. He’s been dead for years and it still makes me furious to think of the ways he hurt you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah.” Lex took a long drink of Scotch. “What did he do? Threaten your life to blackmail me? Hire an actress to seduce me into spilling my secrets? Frame me for murder and then generously offer to help me get acquitted?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really don’t want to talk about this, Lex.” Clark’s voice was firm, decisive. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex had a feeling that if he pushed hard enough, he could find out what it was he was so determined not to talk about, but he let it be. The Luthor instincts to push and prod and manipulate had never served him well when dealing with Superman or with Clark Kent--he would be cursing himself to the end of his days for not making the connection sooner--and the last thing he wanted was to drive Clark away over something Lionel had done years in the past. If only out of spite, he would not let his father’s memory take this away from him. “Whatever it was,” he said instead, because the guilt in Clark’s eyes had increased to dangerous levels, “It wasn’t your fault, Clark.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark looked like he wanted to argue, but instead he just sighed and said, “I really hate your father.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have no shortage of company there,” said Lex. “I don’t think anyone who crossed paths with dear old Dad didn’t come to hate him sooner or later. You should see the graffiti on his tomb.” Lex had put an electrified fence around the private Luthor family mausoleum years ago, after the ninth or tenth vandalism. His mother and Julian were entombed there too; otherwise, he might not have minded so much. He thought of the empty fourth crypt and silently vowed that he would rather have his corpse tossed in a ditch than rest beside his father for eternity.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes I think things might have been different if he hadn’t been around when you were younger,” said Clark. “If he’d been dead or otherwise out of the picture...you might have had a chance.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t say I like the tone of pity in your voice, Clark.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not pity,” said Clark distantly, his thoughts clearly far away in Smallville. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The pain in Clark’s eyes set off another surge of anger in Lex, sitting like a weight in his stomach with nowhere to direct it. “Regret,” he guessed, accurately if the speed with which Clark looked up was anything to go by. “You think there was something you could have done. Stopped his evil machinations. Saved me.” I made my choices, he wanted to say, there was nothing you or anyone could have done, but it rang hollow even to him. Despite the effort and money he’d sunk into finding out all he could about his missing years, the truth was that anything could have happened then. Every doctor, psychiatrist, and experimental researcher he’d consulted had said his memories were well and truly gone. Even if Clark eventually trusted him enough to share everything he knew, there was still plenty he didn’t know. Clark seemed sure that Lionel had gotten worse after Lex’s move to Smallville, and Lex knew better than anyone that no one ever got so bad that they couldn’t sink a little lower. For all he knew, things really might have turned out different had he died sooner.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat in silence for a few moments, both lost in thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex spoke first, tentatively. “Amnesia is a hard thing to wrap your head around when it’s happened to you,” he said. “I know I’m not the same person now that I was before the Smallville years, but I don’t remember any of the things that brought that change about. Sometimes it’s disorienting, having this huge part of myself that I don’t know.” He was surprised at himself, not for the first time, with his vulnerability--he couldn’t imagine his reaction had he been told a year ago that he and Superman would be sitting comfortably together in his living room, let alone discussing what Lex hadn’t spoken of with anyone but his neurologist. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark’s eyes softened. “I’ve lost my memory a few times, but it’s never lasted long. I honestly can’t imagine what it’s been like for you all these years.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This has been helping,” said Lex, gesturing between the two of them. “Hearing about it, knowing I had friends and a life of my own...it helps. It hurts, but it helps.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you.” Clark’s voice was so gentle. Lex wanted to hide from the intensity of his gaze, and at the same time never wanted to leave it. He wondered if he’d ever get used to the feeling of being caught in Clark’s orbit. “Even when you were at your worst, when I swore you were completely beyond redemption, I missed you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t say for certain, for obvious reasons,” said Lex, “But I’m sure I missed you too.” He wondered if his younger self’s infatuation with Clark had remained even after losing his memory, and in mistaking one kind of obsession for another, he’d decided Superman would be his arch enemy. There was no point in speculating about it now, he knew, but still, he wondered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark sighed. “I can’t stop thinking about all of the times I should have just told you the truth. Everyone I was close to either found out eventually or the secrecy drove them away. I wonder all the time if I could have salvaged our friendship with honesty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you like to blame yourself for the hole in the ozone layer, Clark, but there’s plenty of blame to share.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark nodded, silent for a moment. “Have I told you about that time the Smallville High football team all got dosed with a Kryptonite-based love potion?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The conversation flowed easily after that, Lex listening to Clark recount the unsurprisingly tumultuous events of his senior year until the beep of his phone signaled that some emergency needed Superman’s attention. In the blink of an eye, Clark was standing and clad in bright primary colors. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Same time next week?” he asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex smiled. “I’ll see you then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few weeks later, Lex sat down and wrote a letter to Lana Lang. It wasn’t often that he found himself at a loss for words, but as he sat with his pen poised above the paper, he was stumped. Clark hadn’t told him most of what had happened between him and Lana, and he doubted </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sorry for whatever it is that I did to you</span>
  </em>
  <span> was an apology anyone would be likely to take well. Even though they’d apparently been a couple once, Lana was a stranger to him now, and he was loath to tell a stranger the details about his memory loss, or about his new and precarious relationship with Clark. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>From Clark’s description of her, Lana was intelligent and supposedly valued honesty more than anything, despite veering into hypocrisy at times. Lex guessed that withholding details was likely just to tear open old wounds rather than heal them. He silently cursed Clark’s influence for making him want to be a better man; it would be so much less uncomfortable just to feed her some pretty lies and consolation money. Of course, the old Lex had never felt the need to reach out to her at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed and put the pen to the paper.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Lana,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>From what I hear, I can guess I’m the last person you want to hear from, and understandably so. Feel free to ignore this letter if you wish.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>About three months ago, I reconnected with Clark Kent, and despite our differences, we decided to give our friendship another try. I presume you already know about my amnesia, but in case the context is necessary, my memory was damaged by a powerful neurotoxin. I remember nothing between 2000 and 2011. Up until recently, all I knew about you was that we knew each other and dated for some time in Smallville, preceding a messy breakup. However, Clark has been telling me what he knows about my time in Smallville, and it’s become painfully clear that I owe you many, many apologies.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Clark refuses to tell me the details of what I did to you. He insists it’s for the best that some memories stay buried, for reasons that I’m sure make perfect sense in his head. Still, it’s clear that what I put you through was not only cruel and traumatic, but thoroughly undeserved. I’m sorry.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’d like to try to make amends, if I can. I’m afraid I no longer remember anything about you with which to anticipate what sort of reparation may be appropriate, but please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. If you’d rather not hear from me again, I’d be glad just to make a charitable donation on your behalf or leave you alone altogether. If the latter is the case, disregard this letter and I won’t contact you again.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I hope you’re well, in spite of everything. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>-Lex Luthor</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He neatly folded the letter and sealed the envelope before he could get a chance to scrap it and start over, resolving to send it off in the morning. There were many, many more people to whom Lex owed apologies. That had always been true, and he had never cared. He wasn’t sure he even cared now. Truth be told, his own motivations were sometimes a mystery even to him. He wasn’t sure which idea made him more uncomfortable: that he was actually changing and becoming someone he barely recognized, or that he was doing all of this to win Clark’s approval. Time would tell, he supposed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He filed the letter with his outgoing mail and went to bed. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know this very talky fic isn't for everyone, so thanks for staying with it! If you're enjoying it so far, please consider leaving a comment; I'm trying to muster up more writing motivation and comments really help. &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Spring had begun to fade into summer, the sunlight lingering longer each day, when Clark reached the end of his Smallville stories. He told Lex about the climax of his descent into villainy and the birth of Superman as the sun dipped below the Metropolis skyline, streaking the sky with purple and red. “That’s all of it, more or less. There’s a lot about your past that I don’t know, especially toward the end, but now you know my side of the story, at least.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a lot better than nothing,” said Lex, rising from his seat and walking to the window. “Thank you, Clark. You don’t know how much this means to me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark joined him at the window. “You’re welcome,” he said sincerely. “I’m glad you reached out to me.” He stopped short of saying it, but all the years that he and Lex had been enemies, a part of him had always hoped for this. That was painfully evident now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex turned to face Clark. The golden light of the sunset washed his face in warmth, lending a softness to his features that Clark had thought long gone. “I don’t really know your side of the story, though, do I? I only know the parts of it that you thought would be important to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark frowned, unsure of what Lex was getting at.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me something that’s important to you,” he said. “When you think of us, our good times, what memory comes to mind?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh. That one was easy. Clark smiled, leaning carefully against the window frame. “I think of us talking in my barn loft. It was always my spot, my fortress of solitude before the real fortress was built. I had a couch I’d dragged in from the side of the road and cleaned up, a desk my dad made out of scrap lumber, some old Christmas lights...Even in your thousand dollar coats, surrounded by sawdust and hay, you always looked at ease there.” Almost like now, he thought, though Lex’s smile was still small and reserved, not the easy grin he wore back then. “We used to stay up almost till dawn sometimes, just talking. Philosophizing, imagining the future, you giving me impromptu history lessons...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That does sound like me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark chuckled. “When all I knew of the world was Smallville, you seemed like the pinnacle of adulthood and success. It didn’t strike me until later that you were almost as young as I was, almost as lost. I think we sensed that in each other, even if we didn’t know why at the time. We both had more on our shoulders at that age than we ever should have, me with my powers and you with your father and his business. None of my other friends knew what that was like, and how could they? Back then...I always felt like you understood me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex paused, eyes touched with sadness. “I wish I could remember,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The ache in Clark’s chest returned with full force, and he looked away, unable to meet Lex’s eyes. “I do too,” he said quietly. “There was this one time, after we stopped a developer from turning my family’s farm into a pesticide plant, when you came over and I asked if you thought we would end up enemies one day. You said that would never happen.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex laughed, short but genuine. “Oops.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark smiled. “We talked for hours about our future, all that we could accomplish together. You didn’t know about my powers, but you knew I was different anyway. Superman wasn’t even a dream yet, but you seemed so sure that I would do great things. That </span>
  <em>
    <span>we</span>
  </em>
  <span> would do great things.” He’d wanted Lex by his side so badly, then. Part of him had just wanted to feel understood, by anyone, but even after he’d met the rest of the League, it hadn’t quite been the same. Sometime between when Lex first reached out and now, Clark had stopped being able to deny that he still missed him, always had. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another long pause, then Lex opened his desk drawer and pulled out a book that Clark recognized as his journal from Smallville, the one that started this whole thing when Lex unearthed it. “Most of what’s in this is embarrassing, to say the least,” he said, leaning against the desk, “But I want to read you some of it.” He flipped it open, leafing through until he found the page he wanted, and began to read aloud. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He --my father-- doesn’t understand why someone like Clark would do good for its own sake, would do the right thing no matter what it costs him. Maybe that’s why he always looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. I never thought I’d meet someone who I felt understood that, having so much responsibility from such a young age. I don’t know why I found that in a Kansas farm boy, of all places, but I can see it in him. For some reason, I know he understands what it’s like to feel destined for greatness, and everything that comes with it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lex...” Clark grinned. “That’s so sappy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, I bare my soul to you and you mock me? I’m hurt.” Lex rolled his eyes but smiled as he put the journal away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does it count if you don’t even remember writing that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m wounded,” said Lex, dramatically clutching one hand to his chest. “Only defeating Superman could appease me now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark laughed. “I’ll pass on your challenge.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m cooking up another scheme as we speak. It’s a shame I can’t grow a mustache, I’ve always wanted the full supervillain image.” Lex walked back over to the window, smiling at Clark before turning his gaze to the darkening sky. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Outside the window, Metropolis was blessedly quiet. No screams, no gunshots, no one calling out for somebody to save them. Clark let the sounds of evening traffic fade into the background as he focused on Lex. Staring out at the cityscape below them, he looked more expressive than he had in years, and Clark realized his guard was finally down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You said we talked about our future,” he said. “What did we say?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Some things that came to pass, some that didn’t,” said Clark. “You were going to break free from your father’s control, step out of his shadow, make a name for yourself on your own. You talked about your passion for science and your ideas for projects that would better humanity, feed the hungry, cure the sick. You always were unmatched for vision--even when your ambition started to worry me, I admired you for that.” In the years before Superman, Clark had heard again and again that lack of ambition was holding him back. Jor-El, Oliver, Chloe, and Lex himself once or twice had all said his potential would be wasted if he didn’t set his sights beyond Smallville, no matter how badly he wanted to live a normal life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about you?” asked Lex. “What did you want?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know yet. I was still learning the full extent of my powers, and I had no idea what I was going to do with them. I knew I wanted to help people, but back then I never imagined I’d be so...” He shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Famous?” Lex supplied when Clark’s words failed him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, yeah.” Clark sighed. “Of course, I couldn’t tell you that then. So I just said I wasn’t sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And what did I have to say about that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark kept his eyes fixed on the view from the window. “You said anyone brave and selfless enough to risk his life saving a stranger from a car crash had a lot more in his future than working on a farm. You said...whatever I decided I wanted to do in life, you would be right beside me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did I?” Lex’s voice was soft, gentle, and for a moment Clark could imagine that they were back in the barn in Smallville, stargazing and whiling away the summer nights with an innocence long since lost. “I’m sorry, Clark. A lot of the things I’ve done, I felt were necessary, at least the ones I remember. But hurting you the way I did...I regret it even though I don’t remember how it happened. I wish I’d never driven you away.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A lengthy pause hung in the air. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So do I,” said Clark. “The closer we got, the less space there was for our secrets. We stopped trusting each other somewhere down the line.” The decay of their relationship had broken Clark’s heart in slow motion. He wondered if Lex had felt the same, knowing that he would never know for sure. “We always had our differences, but if we could have just trusted each other, for real, maybe we could have made it work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And what about now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark turned to look at Lex and felt the full force of his gaze, pure intensity no longer filtered by careful self control. Years of heartache and longing rushed to the surface and he found himself overwhelmed with the urge to kiss Lex. He took half a step toward him, one hand reaching out slightly before falling to his side. He hoped Lex hadn’t noticed, though he almost certainly had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clark?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark swallowed hard, closing his eyes for a moment to shield himself. The immensity of his own emotions, flaring to life after all this time, was staggering. It reminded him of the first time he had flown into space and finally understood the vastness of the cosmos, infinitely more than even he could hope to really comprehend. He opened his eyes, relying on the floor beneath his feet and the familiar skyline outside to ground him, the sounds of the city at night rising to the window. He avoided looking at Lex, knowing it would send him spinning again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Things are different now,” he said. “This time, I know what it felt like to lose you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex smiled sadly. “I hope I won’t find out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark nodded, leaning back against the desk beside Lex. Their fingers brushed, and it felt like a shot of sunlight, pure energy. “I hope so too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the night sky above Metropolis, a shooting star streaked past. Lex launched into a lecture about astronomy, and Clark didn’t have the heart to tell him that he’d heard this one before, all those years ago.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Just a heads up, this chapter includes Lex reconnecting with Lana and is where the story goes somewhat AU regarding the Lex/Clark/Lana relationship.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You really don’t remember anything, do you?” Lana’s hands were folded in her lap, her posture straight and tight as a bowstring. Uncomfortable, but unafraid. She tilted her head, studying Lex from across the table. “I can see it in your eyes. You don’t even recognize me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex had stopped expecting a response to his letter by the time he’d received her call. From what Clark had told him of her, he’d doubted that she would be interested in talking to him at all. Her  hair was cropped short, unlike in the photos Lex had seen. She was wearing tight jeans and a thin black sweater, her eyes ringed with dark makeup. It was oddly jarring, even though Lex hadn’t seen her before as far as his memory was concerned. For some reason, he’d expected the wholesome girl-next-door of Clark’s memory, that doe-eyed angel behind the counter at the coffee shop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark, he guessed, had never stopped seeing her that way. Lex suspected there were a lot of things about Lana that Clark had never seen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t. Nothing since before I moved to Smallville,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, that explains why you reached out to me.” Her tone was cool, closed off. Her guard was up, unsurprisingly, and Lex couldn’t read her. With a slight pang of guilt, he guessed that she’d had plenty of practice hiding her feelings from him when they’d known each other. Guilt, over hurting someone’s feelings years ago. What had Clark done to him?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been trying to make up for what I can of the past,” said Lex. “What I remember and what I don’t.” He was trying to be a better person, but he didn’t say it. That kind of vulnerability was still reserved for Clark.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” said Lana. “I noticed LexCorp’s sudden humanitarian turn. I figured you were trying to cover something up with positive PR, but didn’t find anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You still keep tabs on LexCorp?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t exactly subtle. The news has noticed that you haven’t gone after Superman in almost half a year.” She crossed her arms. “If you don’t remember me, you don’t remember Clark either. You wouldn’t have suddenly had a change of heart on your own.” Her eyes narrowed. “You know, don’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex nodded. “Clark’s big blue secret? Yes, I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And are you still in love with him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex barely stopped his jaw from dropping. His instinct was to claim that he didn’t know what she was talking about, but he swallowed it. “How do you know about that? 23-year-old me kept that information in a locked box in an underground safe, and that’s not even a metaphor.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I always had my suspicions,” said Lana, “But it was pretty much confirmed when you called me by his name while we were in bed together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well.” Lex was at an unusual loss for words. “This is embarrassing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, no one else knows. Answer the question.” She had an edge to her that Lex hadn’t been expecting, but in hindsight, it really shouldn’t have surprised him that Clark saw her as more fragile than she was. It would be easy, he supposed, to underestimate other peoples’ strength when you could rip the roof off of a car with your bare hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how I feel about Clark,” said Lex. Honesty still went against his instincts, but both yes and no would have been obvious lies. “Why did you want to meet with me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She paused, but thankfully didn’t fight him on the change of subject. “I was angry, when I first got your letter,” she said, dark-lined doe eyes flicking up to look at him. “Really angry. But it’s been years, and I’ve done things, too, that I’m not proud of, always sure what I was doing was necessary. After all this time, I finally think I understand you.” She smiled half-heartedly, and there was a weariness in her voice that Lex recognized. “I don’t know. I guess I just realized that out of everyone I know, you’re the first one I’ve heard from in years. How ironic is that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Lex frowned. “I know you can’t be around Clark anymore, but I assumed you had other friends. What about Chloe Sullivan?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lana shook her head. “We drifted apart. It was my fault. I was too focused on power, revenge, and what I wanted, and I ended up alone.” She sighed. “What I’m trying to say is...I’m tired. I want to put the past behind me too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex raised his glass. “I’ll drink to that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the busy Daily Planet, Lois’s fingers stilled on the keyboard. “Something is different,” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark gave her what he knew was his blankest, most clueless farm boy look. “Like...in general?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her expression was deadpan. “That might have worked on me before I knew about your extracurricular hobbies, Smallville, but not anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shrugged, dropping the act. “Worth a try. What are you talking about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, what’s been up with you the past--” she glanced briefly at her desktop calendar “--four or five months. Damn, longer than I thought. This year really is flying by. Anyway, you’ve been acting extra secretive, and I’ve been letting it slide, trusting you to come clean if it turned out to be more than you could handle.” She leaned around the monitor to look him in the eyes, resting her elbow on the desk and her chin on her hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then what made you bring it up now?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She grinned, razor sharp eyes piercing right through Clark. “I know what it is now. You can’t hide from me for long, you should know that by now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Trust me, I’ve known that for way too long.” He kept his voice even, scrolling through his email in the hopes of finding something he could throw at Lois to distract her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re seeing someone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark hesitated, and Lois let out a triumphant squeal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I knew it! Now the only question is, why all the sneaking around? Is your new flame just shy, or is it someone we know?” She tilted her head, presumably running through the list of single people they both knew. “If it was a coworker I definitely would have noticed...maybe a ‘coworker?’” She drew out the last word and raised an eyebrow to let him know she was talking about the Justice League. “But you don’t want to tell me. Is it someone I used to date? AC? Diana?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t--wait, you and Diana?? When?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Last summer, after that whole Phantom Zone debacle,” she said casually.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you collecting us or something?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She winked. “Don’t make this about me. Who are you going out with?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For all her good intentions, Lois was probably the worst person in the world to unleash on as delicate a situation as his tentative reconciliation with Lex. Okay, he thought as certain people came to mind, maybe not </span>
  <em>
    <span>the</span>
  </em>
  <span> worst, but the last thing his and Lex’s relationship needed was to be put under a microscope. It didn’t exactly help that Lois had developed a supernatural gift over the years for detecting when Clark was lying. “Lois, it’s not like that. Just...I’m not ready for anyone to know just yet, okay? No offense, but my friends aren’t exactly the easiest bunch to introduce someone to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lois nodded, sitting back in her chair with a look that told Clark she was processing. “All right, all right,” she said after a short pause, then smiled. “Your little secret is safe with me, never you fear. After all, I’ve kept the big one this long, haven’t I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark smiled. “Thank you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her eyes lit up. “Oh, that face. You really like this person, don’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark blushed. “Uh, yeah. I do.” Half-truths, he had learned a long time ago, were much better than lies. It was true that his feelings for Lex had returned with a vengeance, even if he wasn’t sure yet what that would mean for their relationship. After he’d barely stopped himself from kissing Lex last week, he couldn’t really keep lying to himself about that. Since then, he’d caught himself daydreaming, thinking about the way the city lights played off of Lex’s face, the curve of his jaw, the hardness finally fading, just a little, from those stormy eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And we’re back to spacing out. Wow, you have got it bad.” Lois tapped her pencil on the edge of the desk. “But it’s been months...if you’re this crazy about them, you would have gone public by now. It’s complicated, isn’t it? You would look a lot happier if it wasn’t.” She gasped. “Is it a celebrity? Did you have to sign an NDA? No, probably not, I can’t see Clark Kent ever agreeing to that. Something’s holding you back, though. Oh my God, is it a supervillain?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Damn it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” That wasn’t technically a lie, Clark told himself; Lex hadn’t done anything particularly villainous since this whole thing had started. He really did seem to be making a change, though Clark had seen this from him before, during the Smallville years. Lex would repent, apologize, claim to have wiped the slate clean, but it had never quite been enough to bring him back from the brink and stop his dark side from creeping around his edges. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe this time, though. Maybe this time, it would take. Now that he knew everything, maybe they had a chance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few minutes passed before Clark realized that Lois had stopped talking and resumed her work, though she paused in her typing every few minutes to glance at him and grin excitedly. He couldn’t help but smile. Misguided or not, her enthusiasm was infectious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a moment, he was tempted to tell her everything. It would be nice, being able to confide in a friend about all of this, and as nosy and gossip-prone as Lois was, she could keep a secret when it counted. He quickly dismissed the thought, though. The trust between him and Lex was fragile enough; Clark doubted it could survive an attack from a truth-seeking missile at this point. Besides, Lois would never understand. Even Chloe, who knew his history with Lex from the very beginning, would never understand. And his mother...yikes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He realized, with an odd sort of clarity, that the only person he wanted to talk about this with was Lex. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought about calling, but decided instead to stop by Lex’s penthouse after work and see if he was there. As he touched down on the balcony, he felt immediately that something was wrong. A familiar sick feeling spread through his body, every muscle in his body bracing against the pain. Kryptonite, and lots of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course Lex hadn’t really gotten rid of all of it. How could Clark have been so stupid, thinking he would give it up so easily, after all that talk of its scientific value? The sting of betrayal burned through the pain long enough for Clark to stumble through the glass door, shattering it around him. “Lex!” he yelled, though his rage was frustratingly undercut by his knees buckling and sending him crumpling to the floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clark?” Lex sounded alarmed, rushing to Clark’s side. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were coming.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was then that Clark noticed the other person in the room. Short hair, dark clothes, but an achingly familiar face, standing still with a stunned expression. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lana?” he choked out, fighting the pain as his vision started to dim. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In a blur, she disappeared, and the pain receded. Lex’s hand slid under his shoulders, helping him up. “I should have let you know she was here, given your tendency to drop by unannounced. That can’t have been a pleasant surprise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark’s brain slowly came back online. Whether the Kryptonite or just seeing Lana had shut it down, he wasn’t sure. “What are you...what is she doing here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wrote to her a month ago, trying to make amends,” Lex explained. “She came here so we could talk.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Talk?” Clark repeated stupidly. He shook his head to clear it. “I’m surprised. You two uh, parted on pretty bad terms, to say the least.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” said Lex. “She filled me in on what you wouldn’t tell me, and no small amount of what you didn’t know.” His phone buzzed, and he quickly typed out a text. “She’ll come back later; I’ll be sure to let you know to avoid a repeat performance.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark sighed, the initial shock of seeing Lana fading, and realized with some embarrassment that he’d overreacted. “I’m sorry,” he said. “When I felt the Kryptonite, I just assumed...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That I’d returned to the lure of villainy?” Lex smirked, though there was a flash of hurt behind his eyes. “I’m offended, Clark, you really think that I would be playing with Kryptonite in my living room? With the door unlocked, no less, though that didn’t stop you from crashing right through it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” said Clark sheepishly, feeling like an idiot.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” said Lex. “You really can be so dramatic sometimes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Realizing he was still sitting on the floor, Clark picked himself up. “I came by to chat, but I’m off to a pretty rocky start.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please, we’ve had far worse nights. It’s not ruined quite yet,” said Lex with a smile. “Dinner?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark smiled back at him. “Dinner would be great.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I've left a lot of the history in this fic intentionally ambiguous, because I didn't want it to be the focus of the story, but I do want to address that the Lex/Lana dynamic in the show is gross and badly written and this is an AU of how I think it should have been. Their romantic relationship was mostly both of them rebounding from Clark with each other, and Lex still did plenty of evil things, but they weren't motivated by obsession with Lana; she just got caught up in them.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Clark lounged on the couch, still in costume and halfway through his second pizza. The fondness that came over Lex at the adorably absurd image was alarming. “Are you sure you don’t have work to do?” he asked. “I don’t want to keep you from anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow,” Lex assured him. It scared him, how easily they’d fallen into a routine. He hadn’t planned to make room in his schedule for Clark’s evening visits, but found himself doing so anyway, rescheduling what he could and delegating what he couldn’t so that when Friday night came and the lights flicked off at the Daily Planet, they could enjoy dinner in relative peace. Clark had started showing up more frequently, any time he could steal a few hours before the city needed Superman again. For a brief, embarrassing moment, Lex had considered listening to the police scanner to anticipate when he would stop by.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you still practice fencing? Or play the piano?” Clark asked. “Whenever I come here, I only ever see you working.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Occasionally. I’m busier now, though. When you knew me, I was middle management for Luthorcorp; my father was still pulling all the strings. Of course, I don’t remember much of the in-between, but I’m a full-fledged CEO now. Besides, the company has undergone a lot of change this year, thanks to a certain someone.” He gave Clark a pointed look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks to you,” said Clark. “You made all of those decisions yourself, I just nudged you in the right direction.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex smiled slightly. “We’re all grown up now, Clark. Between the Planet and Superman, you’re always busy too. When’s the last time you indulged in a hobby?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark paused long enough for Lex to count it as an answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you say I’m a workaholic.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What am I supposed to do? When I hear someone calling for my help, it’s not like I can just ignore it.” Clark paused at that, head tilted toward the window, and Lex realized he was listening for distress calls.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop that,” he scolded. “Finish eating.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark looked sufficiently chastised, but grumbled. “You sound like my mother.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. From what I hear of Senator Kent, she’s a very sensible woman.” Lex crossed his arms. “That’s one of the many, many things that always infuriated me about you, you know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That I can’t turn my back on people who need help?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That you think you, personally, are the only one who can save everyone and solve the world’s problems. Humanity did get along just fine before you came along, you know. And with the way you attract disaster like a magnet...” Lex shook his head, stopping before he could slip back into his old anti-Superman rhetoric.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A beat of silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think I can solve the world’s problems,” said Clark. “What I do is stop disasters, one at a time, as they come up. When it comes to actually making the world better, in the long run, the most I can try to do is be a symbol, give people something to aspire to.” He sounded so vulnerable and exhausted that Lex felt the absurd urge to wrap Superman in a blanket and make him a cup of tea. “And just hope that the next threat that comes along isn’t the one big enough to make it through me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The surge of protectiveness that came over Lex was bizarre, knowing he was looking at what might be the most powerful creature on Earth. He wondered if his younger self had felt this way toward the Clark who hadn’t yet donned the cape, who was still learning the full extent of what he was. A pang of guilt ran through him as he thought of everything he’d done in the past, even though he’d never really come close to killing Superman. “You really need to do something about that savior complex of yours.” That came out harsher than he’d meant it, so he added, “You’re not in this alone, Clark.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark smiled, albeit tiredly. “I know. It just doesn’t always feel that way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>An idea suddenly struck Lex. “Let me make you something. A new suit, maybe a few gadgets to supplement.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Why would I need that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s been forever since I’ve gotten hands on with any of my research. I’m the foremost expert on Superman’s weaknesses, I’m better equipped than anyone to figure out how to protect against them. I could develop something to shield you against Kryptonite, for starters, and go from there.” He stopped himself before he could get carried away with inspiration. “Of course, I’d need access to some of the Kryptonite I handed over to Batman, as well as some other rare materials and equipment that I’m sure your colleagues could provide if you asked.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark couldn’t help but smile. Lex looked so excited, eager to sink his teeth into a science project. He thought back, once again, to Smallville, when Lex had first begun taking on new projects with Luthorcorp and his eager explanations of how the new tech he was developing would solve problems the world over. Back then, his ambition had been inspiring, not threatening. Clark wondered if that had changed because of Lex or because of him. The instinct to accuse Lex of being up to something reared its head, and Clark beat it back. As much as it scared him, if this was going to work, he would have to start putting some trust in Lex, and Clark really, really wanted this to work. “Yeah,” he said. “Okay. I’ll talk to the League, see if they’re willing to give you some access. It’ll be with supervision, at least.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I assumed so.” Lex looked away in a way that suggested he wanted to say more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The energy between them turned awkward again. Clark cleared his throat. “Um. I do appreciate it, you know. What you do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to say that, Clark. I know you have plenty of reasons not to trust me, I don’t fault you for that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not that.” Clark sighed. This was going to be hard to say; he’d been putting off talking about it for days. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. You’re not...LexCorp isn’t the worst thing in the world.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex raised an eyebrow. “Thanks,” he said, voice dripping with sarcasm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not what I meant to say.” Clark cursed himself for his own stubbornness. Why did admitting that he was wrong feel harder than facing down Doomsday? “I mean, you actually try to solve those problems I was talking about. Feeding the hungry, curing the sick...you make life better for real people, millions of them every day. All of those things that you said back in Smallville that you would do one day. You did them. And I’m sorry I haven’t been fair to you.” He watched Lex’s expression closely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex’s eyes widened in surprise. “That must have been hard for you to admit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark felt a pang of guilt at that. “The truth is, I’ve never been able to think clearly when it came to you. I’ve always had trouble seeing things in gray, but I was especially all or nothing when it came to you. Either you were my best friend, or you were my arch nemesis. The truth is, you’ll always be a little bit of both. Nobody, and I mean nobody, makes me as angry as you do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You suck at apologies.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But nobody else inspires me like you do, either. You challenge me, you make me question things, you push me and you amaze me with what humanity is really capable of,” Clark finished. “You always have.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t blame Lex for looking away. The intensity between them made him nervous too. The impulse to kiss Lex struck again, and Clark looked away too, focusing his gaze on the abstract modern painting on the wall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One more thing to get off his chest. “Not trusting each other is what came between us last time. I don’t want it to happen again. You asked me to meet you halfway; I’m trying.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex smiled, though the persistent touch of sadness didn’t leave his eyes. “Something tells me that 25-year-old me would have done anything to hear that from you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark shrugged. “Better late than never?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex actually smiled at that. “On that, I think we can agree. Now, about Superman, there are some things I’ve been dying to ask.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The heavy topic fell by the wayside, and Clark spent the rest of the evening telling Lex about all the things he’d seen in his superheroic adventures, answering the kind of obscure questions only Lex would think to ask. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next day, he woke up to his phone ringing, and he answered it without checking the caller ID. “Hello?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t think at this age I’d have to worry about being stood up for dinner.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark sat bolt upright, wide awake and horrified. He’d been so eager to see Lex that he’d completely forgotten. “Mom!” He supersped into his clothes. “I’m so sorry, are you free today?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Relax, Clark, I’m just teasing,” said his mother through the phone. “I know Superman can’t exactly schedule when he’s needed to make time for dinner with his mom. Though usually you at least call. I wanted to make sure you were alright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine.” He glanced at the clock; it was almost noon in her timezone. He really needed to get a handle on his sleep schedule. “How about lunch? I can pick up some food and meet you at your place.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She laughed. “Alright, if you insist. I’ll see you soon, honey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark hung up and just barely remembered to brush his teeth before taking off out the window, scaring the daylights out of a flock of geese as he shot off toward DC. “Sorry!” he called out behind him. He stopped to pick up some takeout before speeding to Martha’s apartment, and she opened the door with a smile. “Hi, Mom.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clark.” She pulled him into a tight hug. “You look exhausted, what happened last night?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked genuinely worried, and Clark considered making up an Earth-threatening emergency that would totally get him off the hook for having missed their dinner date. She would know he was lying, though; she always did. “Actually, I kind of...forgot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her brow furrowed. “You forgot? Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was just kind of preoccupied. I’m sorry, again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm,” she said in a way that suggested she might as well be reading his mind. “Come on in, I already set the table.” She ushered him inside, taking the food and setting it down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How have you been?” asked Clark, hoping to deflect the conversation away from why he’d missed dinner. In the months since reconnecting with Lex, he hadn’t mentioned a word of it to Martha. He felt a little guilty, but he didn’t want to stress her out with something like this. She already worried enough about him running around as Superman without his also making questionable decisions in his personal life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, same as usual. Busy, never enough time or money to get everything done.” She smiled, taking a seat. Clark did the same. “Enough about me, though. What’s going on with you? Something is different.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why did everyone keep saying that? “You haven’t been talking to Lois, have you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have, but I didn’t have to. I know my own son well enough to tell when something is going on. What is it, Clark?” Her tone was gentle, encouraging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well. He’d have to tell her eventually. “I’ve been talking to Lex again. We sort of reconciled.” He watched her face carefully, trying to gauge her reaction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked surprised, but not as much as he thought she would be. “Lex,” she said, her tone measured and calm. “That must be a lot of emotions for you to process.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is,” he said simply, unsure of what else to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure this is a good idea, Clark? After all the times he’s betrayed you...” Her surprise had given way to protectiveness, still gentle, and Clark realized he’d been bracing for his father’s righteous anger. All of this time, he’d never stopped thinking of his parents as a unit. His heart ached at the thought. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, Mom. But I think this time is different.” He wondered if she knew how he’d once felt about Lex. If she did, she’d never said anything, but things like that rarely escaped her notice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Martha pressed her lips together, her expression sympathetic. She smiled, warm and comforting as always. “I hope so, Clark.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yeah. She definitely knew.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now,” she said firmly, changing the subject, “Why were you still asleep at eleven? You have to take better care of yourself. You may be invulnerable, but you still have to eat your vegetables.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark chuckled, letting his mother fuss over him. He thought, not for the first time, that he really ought to visit her more often. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Lex had almost forgotten how much fun it was to run experiments of his own. He hadn’t really done so in ages; his duties as CEO kept him too busy to be more involved in new developments than pointing his teams of hired researchers in the direction of progress. He couldn’t really complain about that, though. He was a leader, after all, and there was satisfaction to be had in running his company like an emperor commanding his loyal army. This, though, the hands-on work, was definitely something he missed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kryptonite was a truly fascinating material. Its applications were seemingly limitless, and every time Lex thought he had a handle on how it worked, it surprised him. Clark had told him a story about how a phone line downed in a pile of Kryptonite had somehow sent a phone call back in time, and he still wasn’t sure that Clark hadn’t just been messing with him. How, he didn’t know, but Kryptonite seemed to react differently to just about every possible situation, like some kind of secret ingredient that made anything work. It was one thing to understand on an intellectual level that it was from another planet, but another thing entirely to watch it defy everything he knew about physics right in front of his eyes. He’d borrowed a few lab assistants from the League’s development team, but worked alone for the most part, testing different materials, alloys, energy sources, and every color of Kryptonite that he could find.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’s progress?” Lana asked from over his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s coming along. Just waiting for the latest batch of test results to compile.” Lex leaned to one side so she could see the simulation running on the computer screen. “Thanks for the sample; I don’t know if I could have made this work without you.” Lana’s Kryptonite-infused skin cells had been the key to understanding how the mineral’s unique radiation could be made to sit on top of a surface, rather than absorbing into it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No problem.” Her eyes scanned over the lab counter, littered with notes, various samples, and tools. “I never thought I would see Lex Luthor putting so much work into keeping Superman safe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Neither did I.” He picked up one of the textile samples, holding it up to the light. “But I haven’t been so inspired by a project in a long time. These alien materials...to say they have properties unlike anything found on Earth would be an understatement. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it was magic. Though, to be fair, the difference between magic and non-magic phenomena seems to be one of pure semantics at this point, what with aliens, demigods, and wizards running around.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Magic feels different,” said Lana. “It looks the same, a lot of the time, but magic users can feel the difference.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I forgot you were possessed by a witch for half a year. Clark told me so many wild stories that it’s hard to keep track.” The monitor beeped, and Lex turned his attention back to the screen, where the simulation had finished its work. The results looked promising, and Lex allowed himself a triumphant grin as he started drafting the final version of the Kryptonite-resistant textile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fabricating the suit was a lengthy process. He hit a few more snags along the way--making the physics work on a flat surface was one thing, but a three-dimensional shape with moving parts was another--but the League’s existing research on supersuit construction solved most of them. Spending nearly all of his free time in the lab made him realize how accustomed he’d gotten to spending it with Clark, who couldn’t exactly stop by the lab with all the Kryptonite lying around. He tried not to think about how excited he was to present Clark with a gift he would actually keep. He tried not to think about how much of his life had come to revolve around a superpowered farm boy with a smile like the sun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lana came and went occasionally, keeping him company while he worked, as did a dark shape that lurked at the edges of his vision. Batman wasn’t as invisible as he thought he was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, over a month after he’d started the project, it was finished. The lab was cleared of Kryptonite, and Lex had a moment to regret giving up his supply before the Man of Steel swept in, smiling as he laid eyes on Lex. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fuck. That face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark stopped in his tracks as he saw Lex, his sleeves rolled up and his eyes alight with excitement. Clark hadn’t seen him looking so happy since...well, since Smallville. He stood stunned for a moment, forgetting entirely why he was here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Glad you could get here so fast,” said Lex. His voice had the confident tone of recent victory as he picked up the suit lying on the table behind him, presenting it to Clark. “It’s finished. This suit can withstand Superman-level friction, heat, and damage, and most importantly, it will dampen the effect of Kryptonite. It won’t erase your vulnerability, but it can deflect and neutralize small amounts of Kryptonite radiation, and will at least buy you some time against larger amounts. The emblem is reinforced for extra protection in the chest area.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He handed the suit to Clark, letting him inspect it. The design was almost identical to his current one, but the material was darker in color and across its surface ran a crystal-like geometric pattern, slightly reflective and raised to the touch. It was almost iridescent, reflecting the light in a jewel-bright shade of blue. A smaller suit lay on the counter behind Lex, presumably for Kara. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go ahead and try it on,” said Lex. “I’ll show you how it works.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark sped into the bathroom to change, taking a moment to look in the mirror. The difference was subtle, but he liked the new look. The crystalline pattern reminded him of the Fortress, and he thought for a moment about how amazed Lex would be if he saw it. And apparently now he was thinking of bringing Lex Luthor to the Fortress. Pushing those confusing thoughts aside, he rejoined Lex in the lab, where he held a small lead box. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The outer structure of the suit deflects Kryptonite radiation, and can temporarily absorb small amounts.” He opened the box and took out a small piece of Kryptonite, which he hurled at Clark. Clark instinctively braced for the pain, but forced himself not to move away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The pattern on the suit flashed green as the rock hit his chest. The sensation was bizarre--it still hurt, but it didn’t incapacitate him. The energy seemed to move around him, rather than through him. He picked up the rock off the floor, now harmless and white like Lana’s old necklace had been after it was neutralized by the ship. “Lex...this is amazing.” He looked at Lex, who was grinning triumphantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I would hope so. That’s several million dollars you’re wearing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what to say,” said Clark, truthfully. The suit was nice, yes, but what had him reeling was the full realization that Lex had spent millions of dollars and a month of his time making something to keep him safe. They were finally working together, after all these years. The implications were staggering. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex must have noticed the look on his face, because he took a few steps closer, eyes soft. “Well, ‘thank you’ might be a good place to start.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark closed the distance and hugged him, earning a startled, genuine laugh from Lex. “Thank you,” he said, hoping he could convey that he was grateful for more than just the suit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re welcome,” said Lex. “Now get back to saving the world; I’m sure you want to take it for a test run.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do. Very much.” Clark grinned. “Thank you. Again.” He paused at the window, glancing back at Lex before taking off into the sky.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex watched him go with a fondness that still managed to surprise him. He wondered if he’d ever get used to it as he picked up the neutralized meteor rock, turning it over in his hands. His enthusiastic acquisition of Kryptonite had certainly given his development teams an edge, before he’d given it up for Clark. Without it, a few rival tech companies had begun to close the gap in their race with LexCorp. They were still the best in the game, but he could think of five ongoing projects off the top of his head that would benefit from an application of the alien mineral. Here was a resource with the power to fling scientific development forward in leaps and bounds, and Lex had been stupid enough to promise not to use it. Well, he thought, technically he’d only promised that he would get rid of the supply he already had. He tried to dismiss the thought, knowing Clark wouldn’t see it that way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned off the lights in the lab, calling his driver to meet him outside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Somewhere on the way home, he came crashing back down to reality. He arrived to a stack of reports on the desk in his home office. He hadn’t let anything slip through the cracks over the past month, but he hadn’t taken on more work than he had to, either. He flipped through the papers. The changes he’d set in motion back in February weren’t exactly profitable, but he’d known that would be the case. Still, it left some to be desired. One of LexCorp’s biggest rivals had just unveiled a new product, scheduled to launch commercially by the end of the year. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex was still a businessman with a business to run. It was easy to fall off of the cutting edge, and he’d worked too hard to settle for anything less than the best.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He picked up the phone and called his assistant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Luthor?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to start a new geological survey,” he said. “First thing tomorrow, tell research to get a team to Smallville. Keep it discreet.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Reporting live from outside the Daily Planet building in downtown Metropolis,” said the news anchor on the ground, “Police have yet to receive any demands from the gunmen who have taken the staff inside hostage, though they claim to have set an explosive device in the building, which they’ve threatened to detonate should anyone attempt to enter. Superman has just arrived on the scene.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark hovered above the Planet, scanning the building with X-ray vision. He spotted Lois and Jimmy, kneeling on the floor with the rest of the hostages, and the bomb in an empty office several floors below them. This would be easy; he’d thwarted so many hostage situations like this one that he was surprised anyone still tried them. He flew down and crashed through the window, knocking out the gunmen and crushing their weapons into harmless chunks of metal before speeding downstairs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He scooped up the bomb, flying out of the city in search of the least populated area he could find. He was over a lake when his phone rang, Lois’s name flashing on the caller ID. Shifting the bomb under one arm, he answered it. “Lois? What’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Superman! You have to get away from that bomb, it’s--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The lead shell burst to reveal a sickening green. The explosion hit him with the realization that the Daily Planet was just bait, and this had been the plan all along.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pure, cold fear overtook him. This could kill him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It hit him, all at once and with crystal clarity, that he’d never stopped loving Lex. All his doubts, all the excuses he’d made to avoid confronting how he felt were blasted away by the thought that he might never see Lex again. If he died here, his mother and Lois and Chloe and everyone else that mattered in his life would know that he loved them, but Lex would never know. Suddenly, the only thing that mattered was living long enough to tell him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Green dust and glittering shards hit him, and he heard the splash as he hit the water. Pain thudded through him, knocking the breath from his lungs, and a moment passed before Clark realized he wasn’t dead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The outer layer of his suit was glowing green. He sank through the water, green chunks still falling around him. The familiar pain of the Kryptonite still coursed through him, but he realized he could move. He kicked his way to the surface, where the green glow faded and he took a deep breath, the pain slowly fading.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The second he felt his strength return, he took off near top speed toward Lex’s penthouse, just barely stopping to open the door instead of breaking through it again. Lex was pacing across the floor, talking on the phone. Clark grabbed it from his hand, hanging up the call and tossing it onto the couch, and Lex started to say something indignant in the split second before Clark kissed him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled Lex close against him, holding him and hoping that he could feel everything Clark wanted to say. Lex went stiff for a moment in his arms before kissing him back, wrapping his arms around him, leaning into a kiss that seemed to warp time around them. It felt intensely, profoundly </span>
  <em>
    <span>right</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he pulled back, Lex was staring at him with a predictably stunned expression. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” he said, because he couldn’t stand to wait however long it would take for Lex to break the silence. “I’ve always loved you. And I need you to know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex looked like he might cry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark panicked. There was no other word for the very un-Superman-like panic that came over him, the kind he hadn’t felt in years. “Uh,” he stammered, because his capacity for coherent English had apparently only lasted long enough to confess his love to Lex, and oh shit, he just confessed his love to Lex. “I’ll um. Let you think about that.” That was terrible. This was terrible. If Lex confessed his love it would probably be so smooth and romantic and Clark had just barged into his house while he was on the phone and kissed him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was out the window before his brain even registered that his feet were moving, and he didn’t stop until he got to the Fortress. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex stood in shock, unsure of exactly what had just happened. A full minute must have passed before his thoughts came back together, and a flood of turbulent emotions broke loose. He poured himself a drink and collapsed on the couch, running a hand over his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark loved him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark said he loved him, anyway; for all Lex knew, he might be under some kind of magical hypnosis, and if that was the case, whoever was behind this would meet a slow, painful, satisfyingly gruesome death. The last person who’d said that they loved him genuinely enough to make him believe it had been his mother, before she died. And this...this was Clark Kent. Superman. His best friend, his first love, his arch enemy that he finally had to admit he had never hated as much as he’d wanted to. He’d never wanted those missing memories as much as he wanted them right now; he would give anything to remember falling in love with Clark the first time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first time. The realization that he loved Clark hit him with the force of a freight train. If Clark flew back in here right now and asked Lex for anything, anything at all, he was sure he would give it to him. Right now, he would burn down the world just to kiss Clark again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He finished his drink and grabbed the bottle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The day passed, and night fell. Lex didn’t sleep, too many thoughts racing in his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another day passed, and still no sign of Clark, no flashes of red and blue visible in the sky above Metropolis. Lex threw himself into work, hoping if he stayed busy enough his mind would quiet down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another day passed, and Lois Lane showed up on his doorstep, demanding to know where Superman was and if Lex had anything to do with his disappearance after the situation at the Daily Planet. He told her just enough of the truth to make her go away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the end of the third day, Lex began to wonder if Clark regretted his confession so much that he’d gone into hiding. Lex was considering pulling a very public supervillain stunt just to get his attention when he heard a knock at his balcony door and he crossed the room so fast that he might have been the one with superspeed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark stood on the other side of the glass door in jeans and a flannel. No cape, no glasses--this was how he’d looked in the pictures Lex had seen from Smallville. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I come in?” he asked, uncharacteristically.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex nodded, opening the door. Clark stepped inside, looking as uncomfortable as Lex felt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you mean it?” Lex asked, when it became clear Clark wasn’t going to say anything other than “so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark nodded, and the telltale clench of his jaw told Lex that he was nervous. “I did. Sorry I freaked out like that. I just...I wasn’t ready to hear your answer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you disappeared for three days? Winslow Schott was behind the Kryptonite bomb, by the way, Green Arrow took him in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark had a look on his face that told Lex he hadn’t even given a thought to the incident that had almost killed him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had to hear about it secondhand, from Lois Lane. Who, by the way, was positive that I’d had something to do with your disappearance, so please call her next time you decide to run off in a fit of melodrama,” he chided, though there was no edge to it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said I was sorry,” said Clark sheepishly. “Anyway, I wanted to give you time to think about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Honestly, Lex couldn’t argue with that reasoning. It was a lot to process, and besides, at least Clark had been brave enough to make the first move, unlike him. “You’re lucky that you’re infuriatingly easy to forgive,” he teased.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark smiled, albeit nervously. “So? Did you...think about it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clark...” He felt himself starting to ramble before the words came out of his mouth. Monologuing always was his go-to defense when he didn’t know what to say. He sighed. “When I was a teenager, my father paid my first girlfriend to break my heart, to teach me a lesson. He told me that relationships were about control, that letting someone close enough to hurt me made me weak. Power is zero-sum--power that someone else has is power they’ve taken from you--and he told me I should always have as much of it as I possibly could.” This was stupid. He was only saying this to put off talking about his feelings, and he knew it. He forced himself to look Clark in the eyes, even though it hurt like looking directly at the sun. “I’ve never been in control when it came to you. That always scared me, and I did everything I could to try and get the upper hand. But now...” Now or never, he told himself. “When it comes to you, I don’t want control like I used to. I want you. I want you, and all the chaos and uncertainty that you bring. I want it all, because it’s you.” He took a step closer, involuntarily, like he was drawn by Clark’s gravitational pull. “I love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark closed the distance between them, sliding an arm around Lex’s waist, and kissed him. His other hand cupped the back of Lex’s head, tilting his face up to meet Clark’s. The fragmented, distorted memory of the car crash floated to the front of Lex’s mind, and disappeared just as quickly, swept away as his mind went blissfully blank. He wrapped his arms around Clark, pulling him as close as he could, wanting as little space between them as physically possible. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It barely registered when he felt Clark lift him up, as if he were weightless, and for a moment he almost felt like he was. He didn’t realize they’d moved down the hall and into his room until Clark lowered him onto his bed. They broke apart for a moment, breathless, and Lex had a moment to feel smug that he’d made Superman gasp for air like that. He rested his forehead against Clark’s, running a hand through his hair and reveling in the closeness. Clark’s hands slid down his front, unbuttoning his shirt, and he returned the favor. He’d always thought Superman’s suit left too little to the imagination, but truthfully, his imagination had nothing on this. He embraced Clark again, skin against skin, and it felt so honest that it hurt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark gazed down at him, the look in his eyes agonizingly tender. Lex didn’t think anyone could ever look at him like that--he didn’t think he deserved for anyone to ever look at him like that. It was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>much</span>
  </em>
  <span>, all of it, the weight of everything between them, and he felt like he was drowning. Clark was so unbearably, painfully good. And yet, he’d seen Lex at his worst, seen every ugly corner of his soul, and was here with him, looking at him like that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt tears prick the corners of his eyes and swallowed thickly. “Clark?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say it again. Please.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark kissed him, again. “I love you, Lex.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is the most dramatic thing I've ever written but that seems about right for these two. Let me know what you think, I've been super excited to write this chapter!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Clark woke up with Lex in his arms, still asleep and pressed close against him. A thin band of sunlight streamed in through the gap in the curtains, falling on Lex’s chest, and it was enough to make Clark wish this moment would last forever, as absurd as the thought seemed after their years of rivalry. He leaned over, pressing a gentle kiss to Lex’s cheek.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex stirred, groaning and rolling onto his stomach, burying his face in the pillow and mumbling something that sounded like “too early.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark couldn’t help but chuckle. That Lex wasn’t a morning person hardly came as a surprise, but it was endearing nonetheless. He ran his hand down the smooth planes of Lex’s back and kissed his shoulder blades, just enjoying the closeness. He’d seen Lex shirtless nearly naked before, of course, courtesy of the variety of wild situations they’d gotten into in their Smallville days, but having the chance to take his time and really admire Lex was something totally different. He ran his fingers over the scar at Lex’s lower back, left by the exit wound when he’d been shot. After all the emotions that had built up over the years, this kind of quiet intimacy felt surreal and dreamlike, but here he was, in Lex’s bed, holding him like they’d been doing this forever. “Good morning,” he murmured against the back of Lex’s neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex grumbled sleepily, turning his face to the side. “It is not morning,” he said. “Go back to sleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark smiled, trailing his fingers up Lex’s arm, over the deceptively soft musculature. In fact, he couldn’t stop smiling. “I was raised on a farm, Lex, we got up at four every morning.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Disgusting.” Lex turned his face back into the pillow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was tempting to stay in bed, just to be close to Lex, even though Clark had to get to work soon. In a pinch, he could be at the Planet in under a minute, including getting dressed, brushing his teeth, and slicking back his otherwise-unruly hair, so he let himself indulge for a bit. He draped one arm over Lex, pressing a kiss to the back of his head. Lex cuddled closer, resting his head on Clark’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This, Clark thought, was what he’d been missing all of these years. Not just the warmth and intimacy of waking up next to someone, but the profound feeling of rightness that came with waking up next to Lex. They’d been circling each other for so long; it felt good to finally come to rest together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex pressed closer to Clark, laying his head on his chest and listening to his heart. He felt Clark’s arm tighten around his shoulders, holding him there. At some point, he fell asleep again, waking up after Clark had left. He yawned and sat up, looking around the room. Suddenly, what before had felt comfortable like his own space felt strangely large and empty. It was getting harder and harder to deny the space that Clark was taking up in his life. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so content. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If he lost Clark, that space wouldn’t fill back up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The speed with which Lex’s contentment turned to anxiety made him want to go back to sleep. Of course, he’d had to go and fall in love with Superman. There was little doubt in his mind now that those feelings had always lingered, even after his memory loss, in his obsession with the caped hero. Even as his enemy, Clark had been the most important person in Lex’s life, and, embarrassingly, the most constant. He’d had a few relationships post-amnesia, all of which had ended in very ugly, very public breakups, but for the most part he opted for meaningless flings and one-night stands. It was uncomplicated, fit with the public image of that everybody knew, and left much less room for heartbreak. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dragged himself out of bed and into the shower. Leave it to Lex Luthor to make a monster out of a night of painfully tender lovemaking and a similarly soft morning cuddle session. Just great. He wondered if, should they fall apart, they would go back to being enemies. A twisted part of him--okay, most of him was twisted--hoped that they would. Better to keep Clark in his life as his enemy than not at all, and wasn’t that a pathetic thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed, shaking his head like he could exorcise the offending thoughts by doing so. He got dressed, making his way to his home office to check his email. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Clark returned, a couple of hours after his shift at the Planet was over, he was in his Superman uniform. Lex had spent the intervening hours analyzing the potential outcomes of their relationship without meaning to, planning ahead in his mind like he was playing chess. Clark seemed to notice immediately that something was wrong, but he greeted Lex with a kiss anyway, and for a moment Lex forgot that he’d spent nearly the whole day stewing in his own anxiety.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” said Clark as they broke apart, “I’ve known you long enough to know your mind is running faster than I can. What’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex sighed. “I think it’s a good idea for us to discuss the parameters of our relationship, given the complicated nature of both of our lives,” he said, with an air of casual control, like he was addressing the LexCorp board of directors instead of the friend for whom he’d confessed his love not twenty-four hours ago. “I have the press watching me like a hawk, and that’s not exactly an ideal situation for you, what with your little split personality problem.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark knew this mood of Lex’s. Clinical, pragmatic, with a distance in his eyes that suggested he was playing out every possible result of this situation in his head. He was anxious. “Nobody knows about us, Lex, they don’t have to until you’re ready.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The tabloid gossip has already been circulating, with all the time we’ve been spending together. Of course, rumors surrounding my sexuality are nothing new, but it’s rare that I’ve been seen with the same man more than once. People are bound to speculate.” Lex wasn’t meeting his eyes, which was a dead giveaway that something was wrong. His poker face was never as good as he thought it was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about this makes you so nervous?” asked Clark. “Is it just that you’re concerned about my secret identity, or is there something else bothering you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex paused for a long moment. “I...I don’t remember most of my past relationships, Clark. I was married and divorced twice before I was twenty-five, both ending in attempted murder. Lana filled me in on the details of our relationship, and the few I’ve had since losing my memory have been similarly ugly.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t want that to happen to us,” Clark realized. “Lex...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” said Lex, sounding more earnest than Clark had ever heard him, though there was an edge of panic in his voice that made Clark want to punch everyone who had ever hurt him. “I can’t imagine having ever loved someone else like I love you. How can I know, though? How can I know that at the time, I didn’t feel this way about Helen Bryce?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m not going to try to murder you,” said Clark, hoping to put him at ease with humor. “I really hope you have higher expectations than that.” That was probably the wrong thing to say. Stupid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not what I’m worried about. I may not remember her, but for God’s sake, she was a small-town doctor when I met her. What changed? Did I drive her to that? If so, what was it about me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re spiraling, Lex.” Clark stood, crossing the room to Lex and taking his hands. He pushed his own doubts to the back of his mind--he couldn’t convince himself that he didn’t have them, but he could convince Lex. He needed stability, and Clark could be a rock when he needed to be. “Don’t worry about any of that right now, okay? We’ve been at this for less than forty-eight hours, after twenty years of build-up. Obviously, we have to talk about all of those complications down the line, but right now let’s focus on us. You and me. Those are the only two variables we have to worry about right now.” Clark cursed himself for not being better with words; Lex had always been the eloquent one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>An idea occurred to Clark. “I have something I want to show you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex chuckled softly, some of the tension in his face receding. “That sounds both exciting and ominous.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark smiled, scooping Lex into his arms bridal style.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex rolled his eyes. “Must you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, it’s either this or I sling you over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes, which would you prefer?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex grumbled, but acquiesced. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark took off, the landscape below them blurring past as he made his way to the Fortress. He touched down in the snow outside, only then realizing he should have thought to grab Lex’s coat. Setting Lex down, he doffed the cape and draped it over Lex’s shoulders, wrapping it around him. It looked charmingly ridiculous, the bright red a sharp contrast to Lex’s tailored gray suit. He expected Lex to protest, but he was too busy staring at the towering crystalline structure before them, eyes wide with wonder. Clark’s heart melted. Too often, he associated Lex’s insatiable scientific curiosity with dangerous experiments and an unhealthy obsession with beating out his competition. He didn’t appreciate enough the bright, pure joy that he radiated when faced with a new discovery.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Welcome to the Fortress of Solitude. Version 2.0, of course,” he said with a smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex’s expression said that he had a million questions on the tip of his tongue, but he settled for, “It’s beautiful.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, I’ll show you the inside.” He offered Lex his hand, leading him inside. “I come here to be alone, mostly. There is the A.I., but it usually keeps quiet unless I talk to it. It’s basically all that’s left of Krypton.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clark...” Lex swallowed, looking at him. “You trust me enough to bring me here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark hesitated. “It’s taken a long time for me to learn that trust is a choice. When we were younger, I kept waiting for the day when I would trust you completely, thinking it would just...happen. But it didn’t. It doesn’t. I know that now. I chose to trust you with making my new suit, and it saved my life. I’m choosing to trust you now.” He brought his hand up to idly trace the line of Lex’s jaw. “I love you, Lex.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex smiled, a real smile. Clark hoped he’d see it every day. “I love you too,” he said, pulling Clark down for a kiss. “Now that that’s out of the way, I have some questions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark grinned. “I figured you would.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry for the wait, I struggled with following up the big confession. I think I'm back in the swing of it now, though!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Clark glanced at his watch. He’d finished up early at the Planet, a rare occurrence, and Lex wouldn’t be free until later in the evening. They’d settled into a rhythm since their mutual confession, steadily becoming more and more a part of each other’s lives. It still felt new, and yet familiar, like all this time they’d just been waiting for this. Over the years, Clark had given so much of himself to being Superman that his personal happiness had hardly seemed important. He had his friends, of course, Lois and his mother and the rest of the League, but he’d almost forgotten what it felt like to be as happy as he was when he was with Lex. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His phone rang, lighting up with Chloe’s caller ID. He answered it with a smile. “Hey, Lois said you were in town. What’s up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Clark. Um, you’re not going to like this, but I have something you should probably see.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That tone of voice--nervous and almost apologetic--was all too familiar, and never preceded anything good. “Where should I meet you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll meet you at the Planet in an hour.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” he asked, worried.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine, just...I’ll tell you when I get there, okay? I’m not in any danger, I promise.” She hung up with a soft click.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>An hour was a lot longer than Clark would have preferred to wait, but at least Chloe showed up a few minutes early. He was in front of her the second she stepped through the door. “What’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whoa, calm down.” She held up her hands. “It’s not exactly a dire emergency, just something I thought you should know.” He followed her to the empty file room, where she opened her messenger bag and presented him with a folder. “So, I’ve been keeping tabs on LexCorp, as usual, and I found something a little, well, unusual. Since you and Lex reconciled, their research has been more or less above board, and they haven’t really been running anything that set off the supervillain alarm. Until now.” She tapped the folder, encouraging Clark to take a look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opened it, and his heart sank. The photos were blurry, obviously taken in a hurry, but he knew what he was looking at. The photo showed an empty, darkened lab, various kinds of science equipment laid out on the counters. Beakers and bottles lined metal shelves, of different shapes and sizes but all filled with an unmistakable green glow. The Lexcorp logo was emblazoned on the wall like a signature.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re refining Kryptonite, Clark. On Lex’s direct orders,” said Chloe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark clenched his jaw, swallowing hard. A heavy, sick feeling lodged itself in his stomach. How could he have been so stupid? Lex could have been sneaking around right under his nose this whole time, and he’d just been too willingly blind to see it. He’d been so wrapped up in finally being with Lex, and it could have cost people their lives. But on the other hand...Lex had seemed so genuine. He may be a masterful liar, but he’d been vulnerable with Clark, open in ways he’d known Lex long enough to know were real. He wasn’t sure what was worse: that Lex might never have changed in the first place or that he was willing to throw away everything they had just to get a leg up on the competition. “Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” Chloe shrugged and sighed. “I’m really sorry to have to tell you this, I know how much Lex means to you. But maybe this time you should try and give him the benefit of the doubt? He did make you that suit, after all; if he just wanted to lull you into complacency, there were definitely easier ways for him to do it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve given him so many chances, Chloe, and he just keeps lying.” Clark felt his fist clench around the folder, crumpling it. The initial shock and hurt gave way to anger, a familiar emotion when it came to Lex, though this time it was laced around the edges with betrayal in a way he hadn’t felt since Smallville. “I need to talk to Lex.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The window was open in Lex’s office, which was the only reason Clark didn’t fly through the glass. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex seemed to notice right away that he was angry, giving him a deadpan look. “Well, good afternoon to you too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How could you do this?! Were you waiting until we were together to break your promises, or did you just hope that I wouldn’t find out?!” Clark demanded angrily. He was levitating slightly, adding a few inches to his already impressive height, instinctively adjusting his posture to intimidate, to take up space.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex felt his defenses go up, an instinct as natural to him as breathing. His response was out of his mouth before he could think better of it. “There you go throwing wild accusations again. Has it ever occurred to you that people might respond better if you weren’t yelling at them?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t try to deflect this.” Clark threw a crumpled file folder on the desk. “I’m talking about this, and I know it came from your direct orders, so don’t act like you’ve never seen it before.” He flipped the folder open to reveal a photograph from the lab, newly refined Kryptonite lined up on shelves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex should have known it was only a matter of time before Clark--or more likely, one of his nosy, paranoid friends--would find out about his renewed interest in Kryptonite. Denying this would only make Clark more upset. Lex sighed, folding his hands behind his back and squaring his shoulders. “Yes, LexCorp has been working with Kryptonite. It’s not for anything related to you, and I didn’t promise anything about not working with Kryptonite. All I said was that I would get rid of the supply I have at the time.” He pushed aside the thought that he’d known at the time that Clark would take this badly, and he’d done it anyway. “I’ve since acquired more. It’s a valuable resource, and I would be remiss not to take advantage of it when the medical applications alone have the potential to save millions of lives. That’s the lab those pictures are from, by the way. We’re experimenting with the use of Kryptonite in prosthetic limbs, artificial hearts, and the like, to more smoothly integrate them into the body. But you don’t care about any of that, do you?” He knew that was an unfair argument--he’d done it to beat his competition--but as the saying went, all was fair in love and war, and he and Clark certainly had plenty of both between them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Clark’s tone was infuriatingly indignant, as if he hadn’t kept enough of his own secrets to rival LexCorp’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I knew you would react exactly how you’re reacting now,” Lex said harshly, glaring at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t know that!” Clark’s feet were planted on the ground now, his gestures firm, decisive. He was digging in his heels.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t I?” Shut up, Lex wanted to tell himself, you know this argument is going nowhere. Apologize. He kept talking anyway. “When have you ever given me the benefit of the doubt when it comes to running my business? You assume the worst, you jump to conclusions, and you do this every. Single. Time. Forgive me if I wanted to spare myself the drama.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The drama? I’m your...” Clark trailed off, and Lex knew he was struggling for a word that described what they were to each other. He didn’t find one. “You should have told me,” he repeated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex rolled his shoulders, turning away from Clark. Every muscle in his body was tense; he felt stretched tight and thin. “I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I just didn’t tell you about it. What would you even have said?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, but if you weren’t doing anything wrong, you wouldn’t have had to hide it!” He said it with so much conviction that Lex might have believed it if he weren’t so used to Superman’s arrogant posturing. “All this proves is that I still can’t trust you!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So much for your romantic ‘trust is a choice’ speech,” Lex hissed without turning his gaze from the window. “You trust me when it suits you, then you yank it away when I need it. Whatever I do, will it ever be enough for you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not asking for much, Lex, just be honest with me!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex turned back to Clark and flung his arms wide, knowing his composure had gone out the window and not caring. “Honest? If I were honest with you all the time, you’d never look at me again. Your standards are impossible to meet, Clark, especially the special ones you save just for me!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s unfair and you know it,” snapped Clark. “There are years of secrets, years of lies and manipulation between us that you don’t even remember, I can’t just sweep all of that under the rug!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex groaned frustratedly, rolling his eyes. “Yes, you can, but you won’t! How long are you going to hold a past that I don’t remember over my head, Clark, how much do you expect me to self-flagellate to prove that I’m worthy of your love?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I expect you to do better! I can’t be with you if you’re going to keep sneaking around and experimenting behind my back. I can’t.” His expression was stony, righteous anger, pure Superman.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m a scientist and a businessman, Clark.” Lex felt so tired, but he couldn’t stop himself from arguing. Why couldn’t he stop himself from arguing? “I can’t be with you if you’re going to keep treating me like your enemy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you want me to stop treating you like an enemy, stop acting like one! You’re running questionable, probably illegal experiments with the one thing that can kill me, and you expect me to just ignore that because you technically never promised that you wouldn’t? I guess that’s what it’s all about for you, isn’t it, finding a loophole you can slip through to do whatever serves your purposes without regard for how your actions might affect other people?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark’s sheer stubbornness defied more laws of physics than anything else about him, Lex decided. He took a step back, trying and failing to collect himself. “I’m never going to meet your expectations, Clark. Sometimes I’m going to do things you’ll disapprove of, because we. Are. Different. If you can’t accept that, you might as well just give up on us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clarks expression was unreadable as he stared at Lex for several moments, seemingly at a loss for words. “Lex...I can’t just look the other way. I can’t just set aside what I believe in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex wanted to scream, lash out, throw something, anything to get Clark to stop being so damnably self-righteous. “Stop hiding behind your fucking moral code and admit that you don’t actually trust me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark shook his head. “You betrayed my trust, Lex. Maybe I just wanted to believe you’d actually changed so bad that I didn’t see the signs.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was gone before Lex could respond, which was just as well; he didn’t know what he would have said. He crossed the room to the bar cart and poured himself a double, then thought better of it and grabbed the whole bottle, sitting down at his desk. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>One day passed, then two, then a week had gone by and Clark hadn’t heard from Lex at all, which was about what he’d expected. He’d lost count of how many times he’d reached for the phone, only to inevitably set it down again. He wasn’t above admitting that he missed him, but the rest of his feelings were proving much harder to untangle. They were here because, after everything, he still hadn’t been able to put his trust in Lex, even when he’d thought he was finally ready, even when he knew Lex was right. At the first sign of trouble, he’d assumed the worst and made Lex the enemy, just like he always did. Maybe Lex wasn’t the one who hadn’t really changed, Clark thought bitterly. He loved Lex. He was sure of that, so why wasn’t that enough? What was wrong with him, that he couldn’t just let that be enough?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Distracted?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark looked up to see Lois standing over his desk with two cups of coffee, offering one to him. “Uh, yeah, I guess.” He took the offered cup, idly watching the cream swirling into the dark liquid. </span>
</p><p>
  <span> “And I’m guessing it involves a certain thing you don’t wanna talk about.” She set down her own cup and leaned against the desk, a reliable indication that she would be there for a while. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s all well and good, Smallville, but if you won’t talk to me, you have to talk to </span>
  <em>
    <span>someone.</span>
  </em>
  <span> What is going on, anyway? You were looking so happy for a while there.” She frowned. “Something happen between you and your secret flame?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I appreciate the concern, Lois, really,” he said genuinely. “It’s just...” He didn’t know what to say. ‘Relationship problems’ didn’t even begin to cover the issue of him and Lex. She wouldn’t understand, and really, who could? Actually, now that he thought about it, someone might. “I don’t really know how to talk about it right now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then the least I can do is help you take your mind off of it.” She presented him with a smile and a thick stack of photos. “Latest story, hot off the digital camera.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After work, Clark changed into his uniform and, after a quick listen to make sure there were no immediate catastrophes in Metropolis and a lap around the city to discourage any would-be instigators, he took off toward Gotham. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He found Batman engaged in a fight with a street gang, and landed on a nearby rooftop to wait it out. If Clark’s help was really needed, he’d step in, but the Bat seemed to be having no trouble on his own, and a Superman sighting in Gotham was often more trouble than it was worth. It didn’t take long before Batman landed soundlessly beside him on the roof. He wondered, not for the first time how he kept the cape so quiet. “Good evening, Superman. Though it’s probably not, since you’re here. What’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No need to be alarmed. I just wanted to talk. I guess I thought you were the only person who would understand.” It didn’t escape him how ridiculous it seemed, Superman seeking out Batman for romantic advice. Or, honestly, anyone seeking out Batman for romantic advice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bruce didn’t miss a beat. “Is this about Lex Luthor?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” said Clark, a little sheepishly. “We, um...I think we broke up. Well, we fought, and we haven’t spoken for a week. And I don’t know how to fix this.” He sighed. “Honestly, I don’t even really know why I came here. I don’t know what I want you to tell me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want me to talk some sense into you, because I’m the only person you know who’s had anything close to the experience that you and Lex have had,” said Bruce. “I’m assuming this is about his use of Kryptonite.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark’s head snapped up to look at him. “You knew about that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you didn’t tell me? You didn’t think that might be important for me to know?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually, no, I didn’t,” said Batman, as if it were obvious. “If it got to the point where I thought it was important for you to know, I would have told you, but it didn’t, so I didn’t bother. I don’t know why you’re so surprised by this; I was overseeing his experiments with Kryptonite while he was working on your suit, and I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist the temptation after that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was experimenting behind my back with Kryptonite!” Clark had to catch himself before he could raise his voice to a degree that people would hear from the street below. Fuck, he needed to work on his Lex-specific anger issues. He knew it wasn’t fair, but Lex had a way of getting under his skin even when he wasn’t around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And that’s between you and him. I keep tabs on a lot of potential threats, Superman, an entire League’s worth of enemies. If I got involved every time something like this happened, I wouldn’t have time for my own.” Once again, the completeness of Batman’s paranoia never failed to surprise Clark, no matter how long he’d known the man. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you didn’t think this was important enough to tell me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I already told you that. No, I didn’t.” He really reminded Clark so much of Lex. Maybe coming here to see him hadn’t been a good idea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even knowing that Lex and I were...” He swallowed. They never had gotten to the point of defining what they should call their relationship. “Involved?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why? If this situation were reversed, you would be furious if you found out I hadn’t told you about something like that, and yet you kept it from me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I’m not you,” said Bruce simply, looking at Clark from behind the blank white eyes of his cowl. Clark swallowed, remembering Lex’s words the week before. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We are different. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“I don’t put my trust in people. No matter how much I care about someone, a part of me is always preparing for the possibility that they’ll betray me. I can’t control how I feel about a person, but that never stops me from controlling everything I possibly can. And it’s left me lonely and paranoid.” He turned his gaze to the Gotham skyline, his profile silhouetted against the city lights with a stony tension that Clark knew all too well. “I am self-aware enough to recognize that, though I have no intention to stop.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark hesitated, processing the words. As much as he hated to admit it, the possibility of Lex’s betrayal had never fully left his mind. It left him jumping to conclusions before he knew the whole story, never fully putting his trust in Lex no matter how much he’d wanted to. “I trust him,” he said, knowing the statement didn’t ring true but not sure what else to say. “I want to trust him,” he corrected himself. “But after all these years...he’s hurt me so many times, even if he doesn’t remember it. Others, too. Everything he’s done...trusting him would be a stupid thing to do.” It wasn’t just their history, either. Clark knew he was unyielding to a fault; his rigid adherence to his moral code had been his downfall before. He’d always been that way, especially after his father’s death. With powers like his, he’d always been afraid of what he might do if he lost his way, so he clung to his framework like a lifeline. “It has me wondering if I should just let it be. Maybe it’s better that it’s over,” he said, even as the thought of it felt like a Kryptonite knife to the heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my experience, it’s that neither of you get to decide when it’s over. If that were the case, it would have been over years ago, you’d have married Lois, and we wouldn’t be standing here now talking about this,” said Bruce. “You don’t get to control how you feel, and you obviously love him. That may not be something I know much about, but I do know about trust, or the lack thereof. I decided a long time ago that trust was a risk I wasn’t willing to take. You don’t have to be like me, though. You have friends; you’re not the only one capable of stopping Lex Luthor if he slides back into villainy, if that’s what you’re worried about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark paused again. Bruce was right. Whatever this thing was between him and Lex, it wasn’t over; as many times as both of them had said that it was, it had never been true. After every fight, both of them had kept coming back for more, as friends, enemies, and everything in between. “So...you’re saying I should try to fix this?” he asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m saying the decision is up to you. Don’t let fear of what might happen in the future make that decision for you,” said Bruce. His characteristic monotone hadn’t changed, but Clark knew him well enough to sense the emotion there anyway. “If anyone deserves to be happy, it’s you, Clark. Don’t talk yourself out of it because you’re afraid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, I guess,” said Clark with a sigh. “You seem to have done okay for yourself, though. Big family for a guy who doesn’t trust anyone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re good kids,” said Bruce, “All of them. And all of them could betray me. A few of them have. Took a while, but they all found their way home. You and Lex can too, if you want to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I’ve got a lot to think about.” Clark sighed, rolling his shoulders. “Need any help around town while I’m here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Batman shook his head. “You should get back to Metropolis. You won’t want to stick around here tonight.” With that, he disappeared off the roof.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark took off, but he didn’t go back to Metropolis. Instead, he went to the Fortress, hoping some time alone would help his swirling thoughts come together. There was a welcome snowstorm outside; the rushing sound of Arctic wind calmed him, helped clear his head. It was on him to fix this, he knew. Lex had already taken the leap to reach out to Clark once, and made himself vulnerable in the process. Now that he’d gotten hurt, Clark doubted he would do it again, at least not anytime soon. Once bitten, twice shy, and all that. Besides, Clark owed it to him. For all that Lex had done, Clark knew his own shortcomings had been the nail in the coffin this time. He owed it to Lex to put his trust in him for real, to stop holding back out of fear of what might happen, to stop looking for reasons to call the whole thing off. He realized with unusual clarity that the threat of not having Lex in his life at all was miles more painful than anything Lex could do to him. Even at their worst, when they’d been at each other’s throats on a daily basis, Lex had been a constant in his life that he didn’t feel whole without. The last few weeks without him had made that painfully clear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He made his way back to Metropolis, where a mustachioed man in a cheap costume was threatening to blow up City Hall. In under two minutes, the bomb was harmlessly dismantled and the wannabe supervillain was deposited at the police station. Clark couldn’t help but think he didn’t have a teaspoon of Lex’s charisma. The rest of the night was reasonably quiet, save a mugging here and a trapped cat in a tree there. He made it back to his apartment before midnight, and managed to shower before bed, all the while planning in his head what he would say to Lex. I’m sorry. I love you. I hope it’s not too late to fix this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He fell into bed, where the empty space beside him felt strangely heavy. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lex threw himself into his work. He shut down the experiments with Kryptonite, packing his new supply into secure storage. He was tempted to keep them going just because he knew it would irritate Clark, but anything even remotely related to Clark put him in too foul a mood to be productive, so into storage it went. Without the Kryptonite, he was left working around the clock to find an alternative way to salvage the project, which was just as well. With or without Kryptonite, LexCorp could engineer circles around its competition, and it at least kept him busy, if not distracted. He left for a three-day business trip to Japan, hoping the physical distance would exorcise thoughts of Clark from his mind, to no avail. Fuck him. Fuck that stupid red cape and those stupid blue eyes and the way he’d blazed into Lex’s life like a bullet on fire, just to leave again and take a chunk of Lex’s heart with him.</p><p>The anger had subsided by the time he returned to Metropolis, but he wished it hadn’t. Anger was significantly more palatable than the raw, chest-tightening heartache that replaced it.</p><p>He finished unpacking and checked his phone. Nothing. Unable to resist, he turned on the TV, flipping through the news channels until he found one with the latest updates on Superman. The sight of him amplified the ache in Lex’s chest. His image on the screen paled in comparison to the real thing, especially now that he had memories of Clark naked, like a Greek statue come to life, all raw power and impossible perfection. Clark seemed to have gone back to his regularly scheduled programming, performing rescues as usual, no sign that anything was wrong. Lex didn’t know what he’d expected; some indicator, maybe, that this was just as hard on Clark as it was on him. He turned off the TV, disappointed. He called Lana, and she didn’t answer. He didn’t leave a message, unsure of how to explain what had happened. </p><p>He poured himself a drink and went back to work, tempted to come up with a dramatic supervillain scheme just to provoke Clark, but the attention didn’t hold the allure that it used to. If Clark didn’t want to talk to him, there was no point in forcing the issue. Lex had to admit that he wasn’t free of blame either; those Luthor instincts were hard to shake. He’d known Clark would be furious if he found out LexCorp was working with Kryptonite again, and, unable to pass up a chance to be the best, Lex had ordered it anyway. How quickly he’d fallen back into old patterns, tempted just by the prospect of power. Maybe Clark was right. Maybe he would never be able to redeem himself.</p><p>Maybe he’d been too far gone the minute he was born, and even losing his memory hadn’t been enough to reset the clock.</p><p>Lex worked late into the night, looking over lab reports, answering phone calls and emails, looking over new projects, until his eyes started to drift shut. His bedroom felt haunted. He pictured alternate versions of Clark and himself, versions who hadn’t let their anger get the best of them, lying together on the bed. What would he even say to Clark, if he were here? I’m sorry? It rang hollow, after everything they’d been through. Besides, if Clark wasn’t willing to meet him halfway, there was nothing he could do. No, there was no point in reaching out. He turned off the lights, dismissing the ghosts, and went to sleep alone. Loneliness--he couldn’t deny that’s what it was, though he hated to admit it--took him in full force. </p><p>The ache hadn’t lessened when Lex woke up the next morning, and he readied himself for the day with a weary sort of resignation. He wondered distantly if he’d ever get used to it; it didn’t feel like it would ever go away. His past self had plenty of experience with heartbreak, if the accounts of his failed marriages and the contents of his old journal were anything to go by. After his amnesia, though, he’d habitually avoided letting anyone close enough to hurt him. It figured that Clark would be the one to do so.</p><p>He opened his desk drawer and pulled out the journal, knowing it wouldn’t make him feel better and flipping through the pages anyway. Strangely, he felt closer than ever to his younger self, the one who pined after Clark in his journal. The heartache he described felt familiar now. </p><p>It occurred to him that he could lose his memory again. In fact, given how amnesia in Smallville seemed to have been as ubiquitous as the common cold, it was more likely than it should be. For a moment, he thought bitterly that he wished he would, so he could forget all of this, but there was no truth behind it. In fact, the thought of forgetting this somehow made him even sadder than before, and an idea struck him.</p><p>He flipped to the empty pages at the back of the journal and began writing.</p><p>
  <em> It’s been well over a decade since my last entry. Since then, I’ve lost years of my memory, and too much has changed to write here. If I’m reading this in the future, after losing my memory again, God forbid, I want myself to know the following: </em>
</p><p>
  <em> 1. Clark Kent is Superman. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>2. We’ve been archenemies for years.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>3. We reconciled and fell in love. He told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him too. </em>
</p><p>Lex swallowed hard, vision blurring, and he realized his eyes were wet with tears. He kept writing.</p><p>
  <em> I learned from him. I changed for him. He made me want to be a better man. What we had was real, more honest than anything I’ve known. I’ve felt more alive this past year than I have in the past ten. I’d thought myself damaged beyond repair; I didn’t even know I could feel as much as I do when I’m with him. All these years later, I still love him. He’s still the one.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Of course, I fucked it up. We aren’t speaking right now. I doubt it will last forever--even as enemies, our lives were hopelessly tangled--but I don’t know if we can fix this or not. It’s a kind of pain I’ve never felt before, to my memory. It’s been almost a week, and I’ve been trying to distract myself, but nothing dulls the ache. And yet, I’m writing it down because should anything happen, I want to remember the pain. I want to remember everything he made me feel. </em>
</p><p>He closed the book and put it away, exhaling heavily. </p><p>Later that night, a small measure of relief came in the form of a sharp knock at his door. A glance at the door’s camera feed revealed Lana, carrying a supermarket bag. </p><p>Lex straightened his shirt and opened the door, smiling tiredly. “Evening.”</p><p>“Hey,” she said, with a sympathetic smile. “I saw that you called me, and uh, I brought ice cream.” She held up the paper bag. “Rocky Road.”</p><p>He ushered her in, closing the door behind her. “I’m guessing you know this is about me and Clark, then.”</p><p>“I put two and two together,” she said, sitting on the couch and patting the spot next to her. “You did this for me, back when Clark and I were on and off. You gave great advice. I thought maybe it’s time I returned the favor.”</p><p>Lex poured himself another drink and sat down beside her. She offered him a spoon, and he took it obligingly. </p><p>“So,” she prompted, “What happened?”</p><p>Lex sighed, taking a long drink. “Clark found out about my Kryptonite research. He got angry, and I got angry, and...” he sighed. “It just exploded. He doesn’t think I’ve actually changed, and I told him he was asking too much. That he’d never really trusted me.”</p><p>Lana nodded, lips pressed together in a thin line. “Trust issues. Sounds like Clark.”</p><p>“Yeah.” </p><p>She offered him the pint of ice cream, and he took a spoonful. He didn’t usually eat sweets, but the gesture was comforting. Seeking comfort from a friend was just as unfamiliar as the rest of this situation, and for a moment, it took the edge off of the pain in his chest. “How did you leave things?”</p><p>“He flew out the window.” Lex took another drink. “He said maybe I hadn’t changed after all, and he flew out the window.” </p><p>“Ouch.” Lana helped herself to a bite of ice cream. “...How are you feeling about it now?”</p><p>Lex fought back the tightness in his throat. “It...hurts.” He sounded embarrassingly vulnerable, but his emotions threatened to overwhelm him. He drained his glass. “I miss him.”</p><p>Lana set down the ice cream on the coffee table, drawing her knees up to perch cross-legged on the couch. “Take it from someone who’s been there,” she said with a sigh. “Loving Clark was never easy. You may have a head start when it comes to knowing his secrets, but he’s still as black and white as ever. And what’s more, he’s still determined not to let himself be happy.” She shook her head. “When we were together, he saw every little bump in the road as a reason we should never have tried in the first place. He was scared. He still is.”</p><p>Lex chuckled humorlessly, staring into his empty glass. “What are you suggesting, that I should bash him over the head and knock some sense into him?”</p><p>“Something like that,” said Lana with a sympathetic smile. “Look, I won’t tell you what to do, but if you really want to make it work with Clark, you can’t hold back out of fear of getting hurt. Take the leap. I promise he’ll catch you; it’s kind of his whole thing.”</p><p>Lex smiled, for real this time, and set down his glass, leaning back on the couch. Lana tentatively leaned against him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders in a comforting hug. He rested his chin on the top of her head. “I thought you said I was the one always giving you advice. What happened?”</p><p>She sighed. “I grew up.”</p><p>By the time she bid him goodnight, Lex was feeling slightly less miserable than he had since his and Clark’s fight. Slightly. It felt good to confide in someone who understood--or at least, came as close to understanding as could reasonably be expected. Though he’d heard about it secondhand before, he took some guilty comfort in knowing that Lana’s relationship with Clark had been almost as fraught as his own, though for different reasons. </p><p>Lex stepped into the shower, more to feel the warmth than anything, and let the sound of falling water play backdrop to his thoughts. He wished for what he thought must be the millionth time that he could remember the first time he’d fallen in love with Clark. An odd kind of certainty settled over him, frightening but strangely comfortable. He’d fallen in love with Clark twice, and even as enemies, Clark had been the most important person in his life. It wasn’t over between them. It never would be. He knew, despite everything, that something in their relationship had changed the moment they’d decided to confess. For better or for worse, it would never go back to the way it was. </p><p>He turned off the water and went to bed, ignoring the phantom presence of Clark in the bed beside him.</p><p>He woke in the morning to a knock on the window.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>We're almost at the end! Thanks for sticking with the story so far!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's finished! It took me a while to decide exactly how to end this.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Clark’s heart raced as he hovered outside of Lex’s window. Would Lex even want to see him? For a shameful second, the idea crossed his mind to wait until Lex’s life was in danger and hope rescuing him would be an acceptable substitute for an apology. No, he thought as he raised his hand and knocked on the glass, he owed it to Lex to talk this out like an adult. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex blinked awake and sat up, staring blankly at Clark for a moment before standing and opening the window. “Once more,” he said dryly, “What is your objection to using doors?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, he felt kind of stupid about it now. He slipped inside, and Lex closed the window behind him. The tension between them was tangible, the air in the room thick and heavy. Clark was no stranger to loaded moments of silence, but this one was especially nerve-wracking. He took a deep breath, knowing it was on him to break the silence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let me start by saying I’m sorry. For what I said, for not trusting you, for being...inflexible.” He probably could have phrased that better, but it was a start. “I overreacted.” A little better. “And I didn’t give you the benefit of the doubt when you’ve more than earned it. You’ve come so far, and I have to do better, too. I’m sorry, Lex.” He felt absurdly cowardly for it, but he couldn’t meet Lex’s eyes. He knew his body language was betraying his nerves; he just hoped Lex would see that he meant every word.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex was silent for a moment, the expression on his face unreadable until the telltale swallow that said he was nervous. “I’m sorry too,” he said, and relief washed over Clark at knowing Lex wanted to fix this, too. “I knew you’d see those experiments as a betrayal, and I did it anyway. I fell right back into my old patterns, trying to be the best, trying to impress a father who’s been dead and buried for years. I should have been honest with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe,” said Clark. Honesty would have been nice. “But I understand why you kept it from me.  I haven’t exactly been understanding of that kind of thing in the past,” he admitted. “Since I was a kid, especially since I lost my dad, I’ve been terrified of ever giving an inch. I thought, if I slipped up just once, if I let my guard down, with powers like mine, terrible things would happen, and I’d be responsible.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You really need to get a handle on that messiah complex,” said Lex, arms crossed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark shrugged. “I’ve always seen things in black and white, Lex, and that’s never served me well when it comes to relationships, especially ours. I know I need to change that if I’m going to be with you, and I want to be with you.” Realizing that was a little presumptuous, he added, “If you’ll have me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex’s eyes softened. He reached out and took Clark’s hand, running his thumb over the back of Clark’s knuckles before lacing their fingers together. “I love you so much, Clark,” he said, voice low and soft. “We knew going into this it wasn’t going to be easy, but I want to make it work. And I know we can. Together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I trust you,” said Clark, because he knew Lex needed to hear it. “And I know we’ll fight again, but from now on, I’m on your side. Always.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex smirked. “Careful. I’ll abuse that power.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark chuckled, pulling Lex closer and kissing him, amazed all over again at how right it felt. “I’m willing to take that chance,” he said as they broke apart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex pulled him back in for another kiss. Clark wrapped his arms around Lex’s waist, reveling in the closeness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was past noon by the time they sprawled lazily on the bed together, gazing up at the ceiling. Clark reached down and intertwined their fingers, trailing his eyes over Lex’s profile, the rise and fall of his bare chest, soaking up the opportunity to just </span>
  <em>
    <span>look</span>
  </em>
  <span> at Lex. As long as they’d known each other, moments like this had been few and far between. He hoped he’d get the time to make up for all the ones they’d missed. “You’re so beautiful,” he said idly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re such a sap,” Lex teased, turning toward him with a smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark brought their hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to Lex’s knuckles. “Oh, yeah. The biggest sap.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex laughed. “I love you,” he said softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, too,” said Clark, smiling. He was struck, in the moment, by how far they’d come. This time last year, they’d been at each other’s throats constantly, and any hope of regaining a semblance of their former friendship was long gone. Now here they were with friendship and more. “Where do you think we’ll be a year from now?” he asked on a whim. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex hummed thoughtfully. “I don’t know. I never know, with you.” He moved closer, resting his head on Clark’s chest. “I can tell you what I hope, maybe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark smiled. “Please do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex turned his head, listening to Clark’s steady heartbeat as he let his amorphous thoughts crystallize into words. He hoped for a lot of things, he always had. He’d always wanted so much. “I hope every morning will be like this,” he settled on saying. “After everything, what I want the most is just...time. With you. Time for us.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want that, too,” said Clark, running his hand idly up and down Lex’s arm. “I wish I could give you back the time you’re missing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can live without it,” said Lex. “It would be nice to remember the first day I met you, sure, but I would go back and do it all again, memory loss included, just to end up right back here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you call me a sap,” Clark teased. Lex blindly grabbed a pillow and whacked him with it. He laughed, squeezing Lex tighter. “I’m kidding. I think it’s sweet. Seeing this side of you after so long...underneath it all, you’re still the same person I met back in Smallville all those years ago. Full of hope. I missed you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s strange; I don’t remember it, but I feel like I’ve been missing you too. It’s like I’ve come home.” Lex wondered if this inability to stop himself from saying such saccharine nonsense would be permanent. “What about you? Where do you think we’ll be, a year from now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Knowing us? Probably in grave, world-ending danger,” said Clark. “But hopefully? Together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Those things aren’t mutually exclusive,” Lex pointed out. “You know, I actually haven’t given all that much thought to our future. At least as long as I can remember, I’ve tried to plan out my life in every way I could. And at every turn, you’ve shattered those plans. I’m not the President because of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” said Clark sheepishly. “Honestly, you’d probably have been pretty good at it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“From what you and Lana have told me, it sounds like I was that way with relationships, too.” He sighed. “Every time something good came along, I was so focused on keeping it that I forgot to enjoy it. But with you, I don’t care that I can’t control the future. With you, I don’t want to worry about things not going as planned. Even when we were enemies, as much as it infuriated me when you foiled my plans, a part of me loved the thrill of not knowing what would happen next.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark smiled. “When we were younger, you made me realize how many possibilities there really were for the future. Your ambition scared me sometimes, but it was inspiring.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark was quiet for a moment, thoughtful. “...For a long time, all I wanted was to be like everyone else. I wanted a normal life, a normal family, someone to grow old with. A part of me still wants that, someday, but you make me appreciate things I used to see as a burden. Neither of us are normal, and when I’m with you, I’m fine with that. We’ve been through a lot more than most people go through, but all along, we were building this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re slow builders,” Lex remarked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But we got here,” Clark countered. “And we have a lifetime ahead of us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex smiled, tilting his head to look up at Clark. “I love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. “I love you too.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for sticking with this story to the end! Let me know what you thought :3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>